16.10.2005
Sleep my baby angel, Always and forever in my heart.
“I held him, you know…for a few moments. I saw his tiny face and I knew he deserved a name, so I named him Alexander, after you. He was small... so very tiny,” she sobbed as she continued on.
“It was all too much for him with everything that happened that day. I blamed myself, for losing my grandmother, for not taking care of myself. I thought I killed him, because I didn’t want him, but I did want him… I was just terrified. The grief was overwhelming and I called for you, screamed your name, begged you to come and rescue me, but they thought I was crazy; they watched me, even placed me on suicide watch. I wasn’t going to kill myself but I just needed something to take away the pain.”
The psych ward, Bryce’s call. It all made sense now.
“I didn’t want to die... well, I did but there was no way in hell I was going to hurt my family. My dad was the only one I thought of, the only person I had to live for. Lex... I need you to keep an open mind about what I’m about to tell you… please understand that I had no other choice.”
Confused, I waited, silently.
“They wanted to place me in the psych ward; well they did for a day, but I begged them to call Andrew. I knew if anyone would understand the grief I was going through, what led to this breakdown, it would be him.”
“My Dad knew?” I asked trying to hold my temper in.
“He saved me, Lex. He explained my history to the acting doctors, and promised to keep me under his care. When I saw him he asked me to do something, to promise him something. That if he was going to vouch for me, release me from this place, then in return I needed to go live my life. Study, go to college and live a long happy life, making everyone who loved me proud. I needed to become Charlotte Mason; I needed to find who she was and to start a life.
“So, I promised him I would. Three days later I buried my Gran
dmother and our son. It was the second worse day of my life. I promised the both of them then I would make them proud, that wherever they were, they would always smile down on me. It was the only thing that kept me going; it was the only way I could move on.”
“That afternoon, instead of attending the gathering afterwards, I went straight to the tattoo parlor. I knew what I wanted.”
The Phoenix.
“The tattoo, the Phoenix. It symbolized rebirth, because I had to start a new life, Lex, without you, my grandmother or the baby. As long as I was alone, I needed a reminder every day that I was still standing here and I had a life that had to be lived; I was given a second chance.”
She let out a small laugh “The needle... to answer the question that you asked me, it felt like nothing, not compared to what I had been through.
“No one knew, except for Annie, not even Bulls or Eric. I kept this to myself, but now you know, Lex, why when I saw you I was afraid. To have been left by you, to go back to that place that I promised your Dad I would never go back to. After what happened in the Hamptons, I ran away trying to control the situation myself. There was no way I would listen to you, or anyone for that matter. That night I was at the restaurant with Julian, I knew he wasn’t the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and it pained me, because I wished I did at the time; it would have made life easier but I didn’t love him. It was always you, Lex... but then you said it was over and the pregnancy threw everything off. I lied to you because I thought if I hurt you enough, you would leave me alone. I was so scared... that it was déjà vu ... this baby... and I knew I couldn’t bear to lose it, so I did what I knew I had to do. I reached out to Andrew, he was the only one who knew, and once again he taught me that no matter what happened, I was able to control my destiny. I needed to fight hard for what I wanted. I wanted this baby, our baby, and I wanted you, Lex.”
As I sat there staring at this tiny tombstone, the little piece of writing that confirmed that my son lay resting there asleep, I reached out to touch it, my hands shaking as I ran my fingers across the engraved writing. I closed my eyes, ensuring that I memorized every letter, the way it felt, wanting some desperate connection with this child that was ours. And I repeated my actions, wanting something, a sign and suddenly in the cold harsh night in the middle of this cemetery I felt the warmth run through me. I focused on it; it was undeniable the way it made my goose bumps disappear, the way I suddenly felt at peace, like a hand resting on mine, but there was no hand as I opened my eyes and saw that Charlotte had hers on the ground. There was no other way to explain it, and I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt that salty liquid that had fallen down my face. I never cried (I don’t ever remember crying since I was a kid) but this emotion was overwhelming. Charlotte looked into my face and kissed away the one tear that escaped.
“You felt it too?”
I nodded; I was afraid yet at peace with whatever it was that happened.
“It’s him, he’s done this before, you know, told me he is okay. He is being taken care of. This is the only reason I was able to live my life. To place trust in god that this little boy lived on, and that although he is not here with us, he is still loved and is in a happy place.”
I pulled her into my arms, holding her close to my chest as we sat there on the cold ground. My hands moved their way to her stomach where I caressed our baby... our second baby, and whilst it was only moments ago I was grieving for this child that I had no idea existed, I held onto Charlotte tight, almost as if by holding her I was protecting this unborn child, praying that it will be given the chances its older brother didn’t have.
“Lex... I’m scared...” she cried softly.
I moved her hair aside planting a soft kiss on her neck. “Don’t be afraid. I’m sorry, Charlotte, more than you can imagine, for everything you went through alone. I can’t even begin to put myself in your shoes, but I understand, now, these scars that were all over your heart, your soul. I promise you, Charlotte, that I will love you and that no measure of time will change that. I promise to spend the rest of my life mending these scars till they are healed, and no matter what happens... whatever life will throw at us… we will get through this together. Just you and me forever.”
She nestled into my neck and in this darkness I had never felt so secure; I had never wanted anything more in my life. This family that we had created, a son...and another baby…this was us, this was our family, and unwillingly I smiled because the hope that I now had, the trust, it gave me the strength. The world could fall apart around us but as long as I had her, nothing else mattered. The world didn’t matter.
“Let me get you home,” I whispered.
“I am home, Lex... with you… wherever you are. You are home.”
She turned to face me and planted a soft kiss on my lips, and like the world had been lifted from her shoulders, she was Charlotte. The Charlotte I fell in love with seven years ago.
“Well then, how about I take you to a place that has four walls, a roof, hot shower, warm bed and something nice to eat?”
“As long as you are there... then lead the way.”