“Eric, nothing is up my puss!”
“Well, maybe that’s the problem then. So spill it now or I’ll nag you for the rest of the day.”
She sighed, knowing there was no way out of it. I was a born nagger. Taking her glasses off for a moment, she reached for a tissue, attempting to clean the lenses.
“So I kind of did something, it’s embarrassing. I can’t even... oh my god I can’t even think about it without wanting to crawl in a hole and die.”
“OMG, you peed on him?”
“No!... oh how mortifying. Although this wouldn’t be far off. I kinda um...” She tensed her body, unable to get her words out “I kinda, um, farted during sex.”
She buried her head in her hands, as if that was going to erase this. “Like asshole farted or pussy farted?”
“Eric I can’t believe you just said asshole farted. Well I’m not sure but I don’t think it was that.”
“Okay, so walk me through it but make it quick before someone walks in the middle of this conversation and god forbid it be Michael. He’d cut my dick off and serve it to the mafia.”
“Okay.” Taking a deep breath she continued “So he wanted to do it from behind and it was great, right, but like as he came and pulled out, I farted... and it was loud, like echoed in the room loud.”
“But isn’t that normal, the air escaping from the vag?”
“I don’t know, is it?” Emma asked exasperated.
The door creaked and in an effort to pretend like we weren't talking about this, I straightened the coasters in front of me. Thank god it was only Charlie.
“Okay, it’s just Charlie. She’ll tell ya it’s normal.”
“Tell who what’s normal?” She looked at us suspiciously.
“Tell Emma that fanny farting is normal,” I blurted out.
“What the hell is fanny farting?”
“Oh my Brit friend, Kerry, said that's what they call it. You know, after a guy pulls out and your vag sounds like its farting.”
“Oh... I see. Yeah it happened to me once, in college. I was mortified, left his dorm room and avoided seeing him at all costs.”
“Great... That was just the advice Emma needed.”
“Sorry, Emma... but true story,” Charlie admitted.
“What are you doing here anyway? I thought you'd be knee deep in Lex’s jizz?”
“I still have to come into work. You think I would neglect this?” she said as she picked up a blueberry Danish, devouring it in like two seconds. “Besides I was knee deep about an hour ago.”
Emma let out a small laugh but it only lasted a few moments before Nikki walked in, followed by Michael and Becky. She walked around to the other side of the table directly opposite Michael who looked somewhat hurt at her distance. Was I missing something here? I thought they were just secret work fuck buddies. Note to self – interrogate Emma tonight at spin class.
Nikki began the meeting, and like nothing had changed I sat back with a big smile on my face, taking down the minutes, enjoying this moment that was my life.
The rest of the week was pretty much the same, except for Tuesday night. I was well aware that Charlie was distracted and tried to seek comfort in others, and when I say “others” I mean I screwed my ex again. Okay, yes, what the fuck was I thinking? I mean I caught him blowing that guy and let me tell you, I had no idea what he saw in him. He was your typical ginger haired, freckle-faced guy. Wasn’t cut up at all; in fact I may have seen a hint of man boob. Nevertheless, it still was a blow to my ego, excuse the pun. As soon as he jizzed on me I knew I had made a massive mistake. What the fuck, seriously, I wasn’t one of these guys. So to get over that I blew Miguel, this gorgeous waiter I’d been eyeing for a while at Tapas on Tenth. Now, when I say gorgeous I mean like Henry Cavill spank you in the face with his cock gorgeous. But there was one problem… it was huge, and I don’t mean his cock. That was huge, of course, like he put elephants to shame, but this one problem was, well, let’s just say not appetizing. Normally I’d be straight on the phone to Charlie dissecting this particular situation, but tonight Lex was taking her out to dinner, and well, I didn’t think he would appreciate me calling up Charlie to discuss my epic blow job fail.
Again, change was definitely not my friend.
So the week from hell saw me hitting up social media more. Same old desperados trying to grab any sort of attention they could. I found myself tweeting a few hotties; one in particular was this guy ‘The Bone Ranger’. He was funny, his profile pic was of this cowboy hat… ding ding ding I was picturing this guy wearing only chaps sitting naked on a horse. He was into role play. It was just fun, right? Until he sent me a direct message and we got to chat more. Okay, so I may have choked the chicken a few times when it got heated. He was into the same stuff I liked… was a giver…and so I found myself obsessively messaging him every spare moment I had. I was yet to get sight of the goods and the shallow human being I was knew this was the deal breaker.
…
“Good evening, Master Kennedy.” He nodded.