Into the Light

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,

The sun forbear to shine;

But God, who called me here below,

Will be forever mine.

When we’ve been there ten thousand years,

Bright shining as the sun,

We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise

Than when we’d first begun.

My dearest Adriana,

I walk away from this earth into the light with God’s guidance, which has given me the strength I need to allow myself the peace my body deserves.

My love will forever live in our beautiful baby boy, Andy. He is eternally blessed and I promise to watch over the both of you and keep the harm and nightmares away. Love never dies, Adriana. It may move onto a place that you can’t see, but believe me when I promise you that it’s all around you. It will never stop, and when you feel alone, I want you to know that my love will forever embrace you.

I will be the white feather you find on your pillow and the whisper on the summer breeze.

My life may have not been long in years, but it was fulfilled in more ways than I ever thought possible. The moment I laid my eyes upon you at the football field on that hot summer night when you were just seventeen years old, I knew that you were my soul mate, the woman to complete me and make my dreams come true.

In so many ways, Adriana, you made me feel alive, and the biggest gift you have given me was bringing our son into this world.

I may have only held Andy for a few days, but he is my son, and his beating heart, his first breaths, were the reason that I could die a very happy and content man.

Adriana, my love, promise me that you will continue life with our son. Give him every opportunity that he deserves. Let him grow into a fine, honorable man. Let him find his own path and understand the unity of a family. I know you will never stop loving me, but know that you have my blessing to find someone who will love you and take care of you. I can’t say he’ll love you as much as I do, as I doubt there is anyone that has the ability to love you like I do and have done for so long. But please, find someone that will be the father that Andy deserves. Don’t deny him this because you are scared, Adriana. Anytime you miss me, just look into Andy’s eyes. I am there staring right back at you.

Forever with you,

Elijah

Chapter 27

Charlie

Ten days after Andrew Elijah Evans was born, we lost Elijah. The doctors had warned us he had only days to live, but somehow he managed to beat the odds and was able to witness the birth of his son. No matter how much we prepared ourselves for it, we couldn’t nullify the pain when he was finally gone. He deteriorated over the past few months, his quality of life was brutally robbed from him.

His family and friends buried him as the sweet delicate sound of Amazing Grace was sung in the background. Lex sat beside Adriana, never letting go of her, and Adriana sat there, stone cold frozen. She didn’t shed a tear, nor did it seem she blinked an eye. She was like a sister to me, yet at a time when I knew she needed me the most, I had no idea how to help her. The pain I felt when I lost my grandmother and Anthony couldn’t even compare to losing your husband, to be left with a newborn child. I tried my best to talk to her but she would shut down every time, closing off from everyone… except Lex.

People paid their last respects as Emily held on to her son, rocking him to sleep. Andrew held his head up as the patriarch of our family; he knew exactly what to say and what needed to be done. Little did I know at the time how much it would impact our family. It’s impossible to ever imagine walking in these shoes unless your feet are the ones firmly in them, barely taking steps, unsure of why you were being punished by having lost such a beautiful soul.

I waited for her breakdown, but it never came. Instead, Adriana climbed into a very dark place, one I was all too familiar with. We constantly worried with every second that went by, because deep down inside, we knew we couldn’t lose her. As every new parent knows, a new baby is hard at the best of times, but we could see Adriana withdraw in herself, closing off from us. Emily moved in with her and took care of Andy fulltime. I would visit every day just to give Emily a break. Bulls and Kate flew down often to help me with Amelia and with work. The stress was taking its toll on all of us, but we continued to pray that somehow, someway, Adriana would wake up from the nightmare and realize that Andy needed her, too. The tornado of grief swept her away, and much to my sadness, it took Lex along with her.

Lex withdrew from our family and I constantly found myself alone. Adjusting to life in LA was hard enough withouthaving a teething 8 month old baby who was crawling all over the place. Between taking care of Amelia and the occasional hours I would put in at work, I was barely holding on. It didn’t hit me until one weekend when Bulls and Kate flew in to spend some time with me. Of course, Eric, not wanting to be left out, had joined us for lunch.

“You’ve done a lot with the place, Charlie.” Kate said as she eyed the new photos on the wall.

“Just keeping busy, ya know?” It wasn’t a lie, how I wish it was. I found myself twiddling my thumbs, waiting for Lex to come home. I could even count the times he had been home in the past two weeks. Bulls knew me well enough to know what was happening; one look at me and she knew I was falling apart.

“Charlie, if you want to keep busy you should check out the fresh meat at that new hot club on Sunset Boulevard,” Eric chimed in as he took a sip of his mimosa.

“Fresh meat? Thanks to you I can no longer enjoy a good bratwurst,” Kate complained.

“I only referred to Karl as a bratwurst once… you know, that German dog-walking guy.”