He wants to ‘talk,’ but there’s nothing left to say.
Words can’t erase what perhaps feels like lifetime filled with hurt and sorrow.
I deny what we were nine years ago because it’s easier this time to push him away.
For a moment, I think he’s changed as we speak, that maybe he has matured and grown past what we were. Maybe he just wants to say hello and be civil—that is until he mentions Julian.
Acting defensively, trying to protect my newfound relationship, I fire back at him with a barrage of hurtful comments.
I want him to feel the pain I have felt for years.
I want him to understand how much hurt he’s caused me.
And more than anything, I want to scream at him for everything he has put me through.
But instead, I say a simple goodbye and walk away.
My heart sinks as a wave of guilt washes over me.
It’s done, Charlie, I tell myself. It’s so done.
Clenching my jaw unknowingly, I quickly muster up a smile, trying my best not to show Julian how angry I am, but I’m completely shaken. I can barely walk back, let alone think about finishing my meal. I need to get out of here right now.
“Are you okay, gorgeous? You look a bit flushed.”
Julian pours some water into my glass, and suddenly my throat is very dry. I drink the entire glass of water, the feeling of nausea still churning in the pit of my stomach.
“I’m fine. I just nearly tripped over this lady’s handbag she had lying on the ground, but I recovered without too much embarrassment.” Inside my lie, I force a smile again. “Do you mind if we head out? I forgot I have a client meeting in an hour which I haven’t prepared for.”
“Of course not, gorgeous.”
I offer to pay the bill, but he refuses, typical guy thing, of course. We begin to walk away from the table, and for a split second, my eyes meet his.
Those eyes that haunt me in my sleep.
Those eyes I can’t escape no matter how hard I try.
Those eyes that stole my heart and never truly gave it back.
Those eyes which belong to the one and only Alexander Edwards.
Seeing him again takes me back to places I vowed never to return to, the pain I no longer allow myself to feel. Why does life want to throw a giant curveball when it’s just starting to feel right? I’m the person standing in the middle of the crowd, and the only one to get crapped on by a bird flying past.
That sums my life up in one neat package.
Yet, I can’t get out of my head the way he looks, the way he sounds, the way he smells. It’s all surreal like I’m sitting in the DeLorean from Back to the Future, transporting back nine years ago, and there I am again. There he is again. How did this happen? And just a day after Julian proposed to me?
All afternoon I find myself in a daze, unable to rid my mind of what happened earlier. I try to busy myself with work, but it’s futile. By four o’clock, Nikki barges into my office and knows straight away something is wrong.
“Okay, Spit it out. What’s wrong with you?”
“Nikki, something happened today,” I muffle out with my head buried in my hands. “I didn’t really want to mention it, but it’s eating me up inside.”
“What is it?”
I raise my head, taking a deep breath. “I ran into an ex while I was at lunch with Julian.”
“Sounds awkward.”