“Right now.” He laughs rudely.
“Why are you hell-bent on thinking I’m lying?”
“Because you hesitate every fucking time!”
“I hesitate because you’re sensitive, or should I say temperamental when this subject is raised.”
“And have you ever stopped to wonder why?”
I shake my head, though he can’t see me. He’s forcing me to look deep inside rather than scrape the surface, and the last time I did that, hearts were broken, specifically mine.
“Don’t do this, Noah,” I whisper. “Don’t go ruining what we have.”
“Because you love him? Are you thinking about taking Allegra up on her offer? Be the mistress on the side? Chances are, there’s more than one of you. Why not make it a gangbang? Then he’ll start charging people to come watch,” he muses bitterly.
“No, Noah. I don’t love him. That’s all you need to know.”
“And that’s supposed to make me feel better? You don’t love him, but you’re still willing to fuck him?”
The advice I offered Noah only hours ago seems impossible to follow, controlling the people around you by how you react. My anger is stirring up within me at the choice of his words. But if I feed into his jealously and frustration, I’ll be a plain old hypocrite. This is what we do, we argue, we hang up, then we bury it until it becomes a bigger problem.
But not this time. I don’t want to fall back into the same bad habit when deep, down inside, I know Noah has many things on his mind. I just shouldn’t be one of them.
“I understand you have a lot of things—”
“No, don’t do that. Try to tell me I don’t feel the way I feel.”
“Noah,” I bow my head trying to push away the feeling of his subtle hints at something else. “Please don’t say how you feel.”
“And why shouldn’t I?”
“Because if you say how you feel, it’ll all change. Me, you, us…”
The quietness between us grows deeper, pure in its form while creating a blank canvas for our thoughts. Just when I think he’ll hang up without a goodbye, his breathing falters the same time my heart skips a beat.
“It should’ve been you, Kate,” he whispers. “All along… it should have been you.”
NOAH
My gaze drifts toward my little girl asleep in her bed.
The sound of her tiny snores is more like long-winded breaths as innocent as the one proceeding.
My feet move as quietly as possible to adjust her yellow blanket, which is teetering on the railing of her bed. She can’t go anywhere without it. According to experts, it’s a habit needing to be stopped at her age. But who gives a goddamn fuck? If it makes her happy and comforts her, then let her be.
Laying in her arms is Mr. Foxy, her favorite stuffed toy. My fingers gently move the loose strands of hair away from her face, giving me space to plant a soft kiss on her forehead. The scent of her baby skin brings back so many memories, the milestones of her time with us replaying like a sweet melody.
Jessa doesn’t deserve my mistakes.
The guilt spreads like wildfire, out of control with its ferocity. There are so many elements that started the blaze, moments which were out of my depth, so I neglected all the signs.
From the beginning, my infatuation with Morgan and her ignorant behavior years ago should’ve been the red flag. Still, instead, being a novice to love, I followed my heart or whatever the fuck it was because I had no clue what the hell I was doing.
Looking back and reflecting on our time together, I was addicted to the thrill of the chase. Morgan was unattainable, and I wanted to prove a point. My ego led the race, and while running toward the finish line to what I believed would be a victorious win, I slowly lost pieces of myself and became the man Morgan wanted me to be. That included letting go of certain people in my life.
We did everything by the book, or so I thought. I asked her to marry me before Jessa came along. The sanctity of marriage seemed important if we were going to raise a family together.
Yet, the rings on our fingers only added to the pressure of our daily lives. Our sexual connection dissipated, replaced by angry threats and resentment toward each other. I envisioned a wife, a mother, who would put her children first, not her Hollywood movie star of a sister. The more we fought, the clearer it became that we’d made a mistake fast-tracking our relationship. We never took the time to build a solid foundation, letting lust overshadow the vital elements to sustaining a long-lasting future.