“You can’t just say never mind, Miss Always-Has-Something-To-Say. Life happens. Charlie isn’t mine, and that boat has long sailed. The only person I want is the one person who keeps bringing that boat and my mistakes back.” He takes a deep breath and lets out a sigh. “Yes, I loved Charlie, and if it weren’t for your brother, we’d probably still be together, and yes, I’d have been happy. But I’ve moved on, Adriana. Charlie isn’t my life anymore. When you accept that, maybe then, just maybe, we might have a chance.”
He stands, walking away without a goodbye. My brain takes a moment to click and follows only when it realizes it’s fucked up once again. Why am I so jealous and insecure? Charlie was never like this. She was always so calm and collected. Maybe that’s why he loved her, and you, Adriana, are the exact opposite.
I hop onto my feet and follow him quickly. His stride is faster than normal, quick to get away from the mess I’m dragging him into.
“Julian. Wait!”
He proceeds to ignore me, and I increase my pace until I’m at his side, holding his arm and forcing him to stop.
“I hate that I can’t stop thinking that you think of her when you’re with me. I don’t know what it is,” I cry openly in thin, strained sobs.
His face softens. “I’m trying here, Adriana, but you’re making it awfully hard for me. You don’t think I think the same way about Elijah? That every time you push me away, I’m not good enough?”
I listen to his words. He’s right. I loved Elijah. He was my husband until death do us part. I have a son. Julian will always be reminded of the fact that he isn’t the first priority in my life. Now that I’ve taken a moment to think about his feelings, it’s unfair how I’m behaving. “I didn’t think about it that way.”
“Well, I do, Adriana.”
This is the thing about insecurities—it’s the ugliest trait a person can have. The problem is no amount of reasoning or voices in your head can ease them for you. Even when another person tries to reassure you, the words are lost and have no meaning. Sometimes it takes another person’s heartache for you to realize how stupid and insignificant your insecurities are. In this moment, Julian put it in perspective by allowing me to see a piece of him that’s hurting. It’s only now I realize he isn’t immune to feeling insecure just because he’s handsome and intelligent.
I grab his hand and lace my fingers into his, closing the gap between us. He doesn’t say a word as we stroll the block toward the hotel. Inside the lobby, I continue to walk to the elevator, pressing the button to my floor. When the door pings open, I pull out my card and swipe at my door. My heart is running a marathon, the thump hammering so hard, my airways start to constrict in panic. I need to show him how much I care for him, he deserves that.
And it’s my last night here. Now or never. Okay, maybe not never, but who knows when I’ll see him again.
With a soft click of the door behind us, there’s a glow from the city lights filtering in the room. I pla
ce the card into the socket and turn on one lamp. It lights the room enough that I can see him and not overly to the point where all body parts are under a spotlight. Oh God… he’s going to see me naked!
Guiding him to the bed, I motion for him to sit, straddling myself over him. I wrap my arms around his neck, giving myself some control over the situation.
“It scares me that I’ve never been with someone like you.” I’m frightened to say the words, pausing while I contemplate baring my soul. “I’ve only ever been with one man.”
He draws a deep breath as I study his lips, watching as he bites on the corner of his mouth. His index finger traces my cheekbone, gliding the tip as he moves toward my mouth. I feel my lips quiver, but with one touch, he eases my jitters as his thumbs sweep my bottom lip.
“I won’t hurt you, Adriana,” he whispers gently and without force. “This is hard for me, too. Sex became an addiction at times when I couldn’t get high. It’s been a long time since I was last intimate with a woman if we’re honest here.”
I’m somewhat relieved he feels nervous and isn’t pushing me like I expect many men would’ve done if locked away in a hotel room.
I let out a soft moan. “You have to be patient with me.”
He sticks to his promise, kissing me gently to relax my body. The slower he is, the more it excites me. Tracing the top of my dress, I feel the straps fall down my shoulder. His lips move toward the base of my neck, placing kisses one by one, causing my skin to erupt into small goosebumps.
“You’re so sexy,” he murmurs, teasing my heated skin with his tongue.
My hands are shaking as I unbutton his shirt, exposing his chest in all its fabulous ripped glory. He is so fucking beautiful, it hurts. I run my hands along his torso and watch as his eyes flutter. Lifting me gently, he moves me, so I’m underneath him. With his body pressed against mine, I feel the weight of his body, watching as he releases the weight by lifting himself slightly, causing his forearms to flex.
Fuck me now, he’s so hot. It’s like movie-star hot. Everything about his body is so perfect. I crushed on many actors throughout my lifetime, but they have nothing on Julian. Geez, Adriana, an intimate moment and your brain is picturing movie stars. What the fuck is wrong with you?
I’m suddenly brought back into the now, lost in a sea of kisses, his mouth trailing lower and lingering near my breasts. I absolutely hate my breasts, my biggest insecurity, but something he does, the way his eyes dance with delight as he exposes them allows me to let go of any inhibitions. His mouth is watering, and I wait in anticipation for his tongue to circle them. The second it hits, I arch my back and let out a loud moan, pulling his hair, wanting more.
He brings his lips back to mine, and before I have a chance to gulp for air, an unfamiliar object brushes past my entrance. I close my eyes as he gently toys with my sensitive spot and am very aware of what’s going to happen next. My body is clenching, and he carefully eases himself in. I let out a small whimper.
As I realize he is entering me, the panic sets in. My brain, unable to shut off, is frantically comparing his size, his technique, and that the feeling becomes too much. Unwillingly, the tears fall down my face, and my moans become sobs.
Within seconds, Julian is aware I’m upset and stops. Remaining inside me, he catches his breath.
“Adriana, you want me to stop?” he whispers.
“I don’t know,” I mumble through my sobs.