“Because you’re not replacing anyone. For once in my life, everything I feel for you, I’ve never felt before.”
“You don’t think I’m scared?”
“I know you’re scared. That’s what makes this harder. I…” he pauses, then continues, “Let’s just enjoy this time, okay?”
I want to know what he is going to say, but this conversation has taken it out of me. I still don’t really know where we stand. I know, though, that taking this further is a battle itself, and life in LA will be completely different.
***
We stand at the entrance of the secured terminal for international passengers. Somewhere between this morning and now, there’s distance between us. He becomes silent, and I’m not prying. A part of me wishes there isn’t this tension if that’s what you want to call it.
“So, I guess this is it,” I say.
We’re surrounded by fleeing passengers, scurrying to get inside. Bags are being lugged every which way, even my own is crammed full of souvenirs for everyone back home. Julian is watching me, and I know him well enough to realize something is plaguing him. I’m about to lean in to kiss him goodbye when I hear my name being called, and a Japanese couple rudely pushes Julian and me apart.
“Adriana?” The voice comes from behind me. I turn around and see it’s one of Lex’s colleagues.
“Amanda? What are you doing here?” I ask nervously. Turning around, I see Julian has caught on and has moved a little further away.
“Unfortunately, I was here for my uncle’s funeral.”
“I’m so sorry, Amanda.” I am still distracted, my eyes scanning the area, more people pushing past me.
“He was eighty-six. Lived a long life. So, wow, you’re here! Where’s Andy?” She searches around me.
“With Mom back home. I came here for work.”
“Sounds great.” She looks at the boarding pass that’s in my hand. “Good, we’re on the same flight. Let’s catch up.” She pulls my arm before I’m able to do anything.
Chatting away, her words become monotone, and I am frantically looking behind me. I finally spot him, the look on his face unreadable, and I feel guilty for not saying goodbye. No doubt Amanda will tell Lex and whichever way, I’m screwed.
The automatic doors slam shut behind us, and already, I feel the tears build up in my eyes. I miss his touch, and I want to say goodbye to him properly. There’s no chance I can turn around without security detaining me, and then the cat will be out of the bag.
We take a seat inside, and before we’re due to board the plane, I pull my cell out hoping he has texted me.
Nothing.
I don’t know what to feel. Surely, he knows we can’t be seen together? Should I be angry or guilty for what I did?
I send him a quick text, knowing I won’t see his response until I land in LA.
Me: I hope you understand why I did that. She’s Lex’s colleague. I’m sorry we didn’t get to say goodbye.
Our flight is delayed an hour, and like a deranged stalker, I check my cell repeatedly.
Nothing.
I slump further into the seat, the hurt and pain fueling the nausea and anxiety. I have a bad feeling about this, and the worst part yet, this is just the beginning.
“Mama, do koala bears make sounds like dis… RRROAR!”
Andy is snuggled into my side as we lay in bed. The jetlag drains me, and I’m barely able to sleep on the plane. Now, with my baby in my arms, I feel at home, my eyes slowly dozing off.
“Adriana, why don’t I take him so you can catch up on some sleep?” Lex is sitting on the edge of my bed, making a silly face at Andy, causing him to giggle.
“No.” I yawn. “It’s okay. I’ll try to stay awake until tonight.”
“That’s ten hours away,” he points out.