Chasing Him (Dark Love 4)

Lex’s mouth widens into a cheeky grin, his eyes light up as he hopelessly smiles acknowledging the sentiment.

The clock on the wall ticks, it’s the only sound that can be heard in the room. Tired and sleepy, I let out a yawn. Lex appears to be wide awake, ignoring my need for sleep. “Andy asked for him tonight.”

“Oh, it was bound to happen. What did you say?”

“He asked if he went to the same place his daddy lives at.”

My heart drops into my stomach leaving me nauseous and completely gutted. Andy had a bond with him, and during the shit-storm I started, I forgot about how he’d be affected in all of this. My eyes pool over, and not wanting to cry in front of my brother, I raise my head toward the ceiling and remain wide-eyed because the second I blink, I won’t be able to stop the tears.

“I don’t know how to make this right,” I admit.

“Lord knows I can’t change what your heart wants because, trust me, I would if I could. You’ll figure it out, but for now, just get better, okay?”

He’s right. I need to get better for my son and me.

“Lex, can you take me somewhere tomorrow?”

He places his arm around my shoulder and pulls me into an embrace. Kissing the top of my head, he responds softly, “Anywhere you want to go, sis.”

***

It’s dark yet bursting with light.

The candles are flickering as they sit in a row besides the altar. The flame is bright and mesmerizing, igniting the tiny ounce of hope I’m barely clinging onto. I’m surrounded in a place which protects me. It eases my fears and calms my nerves.

The pictures on the wall remind me of suffering, and as I kneel on the pew and pray in silence. I’m not sure what or who I am praying for, just guidance and peace. Lex is sitting in a pew behind me. He stares straight ahead with a barren expression. My knees give a slight crack as I stand, walking behind to where Lex is sitting. In silence, we both sit alongside each other, and just before I tell Lex it’s time to go, a warm feeling suddenly rushes over me. It’s unfamiliar and follows with a slight breeze. I don’t even check to see if the doors are open. Instead, I close my eyes, and his voice echoes all around me. I can’t make out the words he is saying, but his tone is calm and at peace.

I jump as Lex grabs my hand to squeeze it tight.

The voice stops, and unknowingly, the tears have fallen silently down my face. I miss Elijah, I’ll always miss him, but Julian is here, and I need to make things right. I must, once and for all, show him how much I love him.

I speak to Elijah, barely a whisper, and whether or not he can hear me, I say the words I need to get off my chest. “I’ll never truly understand why you left us. I know you can see Julian. I want to tell you, Elijah, that I love him. It’ll never be the same as the love I feel for you, but it’s just as valuable. He makes me happy, and he loves Andy. I’m finally moving on, just like you told me to. Forgive me for my mistakes and my anger.”

Lex’s grip on my hand is tight, and he continues to be mute.

“I thought about being with you so many times, and if it weren’t for my family and Julian, I’d have caused more damage than good. I’ll never stop loving you and never stop thinking about you. Every time I see Andy’s face, you’re looking right back at me.”

With my voice trembling, I say my final thoughts. “I love you, Elijah. May you finally rest in peace knowing we’re okay.”

I sob uncontrollably, turning into Lex’s arms. My chest hurts, and my ribs ache with every breath I try to catch. Lex moves his hands to the back of my head and holds me tightly to his chest as I clutch onto his jacket.

How long I remain like this is uncertain. When I finally peel myself off him, he stares into my eyes, and in full confidence, says the one thing that reassures me more than I can ever imagine.

“You’re going to be just fine, Adriana,” he says, followed by a loving smile.

Does it mean what I think it means? That my happiness is important to him, and Julian will finally be accepted? I search his emerald green eyes for an answer, and as desperate as I am to find one, looking back at me is my big brother. Someone who has been by my side from the moment I came into this world, a man who tries to protect me from all the evil in this world, a man who will forever be my blood.

This is no longer a game of who won, and just maybe, I won’t be forced to choose one or the other.

In the car, the mood is quiet, but it’s what both of us need. The mellow sounds of Bob Marley play softly over the car stereo. With Lex concentrating on driving, I lean my head against the window and watch the city pass us by.

Twenty minutes later, we pull up into the daycare. Both of us get out of the car and make our way to the gated entrance. I punch in my code to open the main door. Lex tells me he is just going to look through the glass window to watch the kids while I sign Andy out. Amelia is at my mom’s today along with baby Ava so that Charlie can work.

With the pen in my hand, I go to the clipboard but notice a signature beside his name. I don’t recognize it at all and query the young girl working behind the main desk.

“Jennie, why is there a signature beside Andy’s name?”

“Oh, about an hour ago his grandpa picked him up,” she says plainly.