Chasing Him (Dark Love 4)

***

A week had passed since that dreadful day when Andy went missing, and Mary Jean took her own life. Out of respect to the woman who brought Elijah into this world, we buried her alongside him as close family and friends paid their final respects. I promised myself I wouldn’t carry the guilt of her actions for we were all still suffering the loss of Elijah, and individually, we had chosen different paths as a coping mechanism.

It was the wake-up call we all need—life is frighteningly short. That whole tomorrow-I-could-be- hit-by-a-bus saying can’t ring truer. The reality is whether it’s a bus or cancer, it strikes when we least expect it, and when we’re all guilty of thinking it could never happen to us.

And so, I vow to live this life I’ve been blessed with, and I can’t or don’t want to imagine it without Julian. He’s everything I need, everything I want, and luckily for me, he feels the exact same way. Finally, we both understand the love we feel for each other is too strong to walk away from, too powerful to give up.

There are so many questions yet to be answered.

Where will we live?

Do we want to get married?

But those are all questions in my head.

It isn’t abnormal to think about the future, but I consider Julian’s feelings and don’t want to push too much change too soon.

Turns out, I don’t have to. Andy’s the pusher. Since the moment he was back in my arms, all he wants is Julian.

The first few nights Julian slept over, and Andy was beyond ecstatic. He was extremely clingy to the point he wanted to sleep between us every night. It didn’t bother Julian at first, but a few days later, he pointed out the obvious—we hadn’t been intimate since before he broke it off with me. Both of us have been so protective over Andy and his well-being, we forgot about us, that combined with family dropping by all day long.

Julian and I try to talk in code, not wanting Andy to hear our conversation. It’s our only way of expressing our feelings, even to the point where he sends me dirty text messages which can’t be said out loud. It’s cute, and I’m ridiculously sexually charged. It’s a constant throb down below that with the slightest wink or handsome smirk, sends me into a frenzy which not even naked pictures of the ugliest man on earth can tame.

The problem is that both of us are conflicted over Andy’s emotional state and our physical need for each other. Some moments we discuss letting my mom come over, so we can go out and drive to a deserted neck of the woods to screw each other until the cows come home. Damn Eric! But the next moment, Andy disappears to the backyard, and we’re fretting because he is out of sight. I recall the moment he did that, and the panic that followed.

“This is really hard,” I admit.

“It’s only hard because you’ve had to deal first-hand with every parent’s nightmare,” Julian says softly, wrapping his arms around my waist as we both watch Andy play with Blaze and Ash through the window.

“I’m scared of the long-term effects that this will have on him.”

“I met this mother when I was writing an article in the Middle East. She was widowed with five children, her youngest being six. Her husband was killed in a bomb blast, and her eldest son was left deaf in one ear and blind in one eye. The youngest son was saved but had witnessed the horrific injuries firsthand. She told me that he had no recollection of the actual scene, but every so often loud sounds triggered his memory.”

I swallow the large lump which has formed in my throat. “How terrible. The poor woman and those children.” I let out a small cry, the lonesome tear escaping as I digest his words.

“She’s a remarkable woman and has done well considering her circumstances.”

“How do you know that?”

“I keep in touch. She has access to email at her local library, and when she visits every so often, she will send me an email updating me on what’s going on.”

I turn around, my face in line with his. “You keep in contact with all these people you meet?”

“Yes. You form this unique friendship, and the majority of the time these people are pouring their hearts out to you. It’s difficult to walk away, so it’s nice to keep in contact.”

I’m in awe at how much compassion Julian has. To this day, his intelligence surpasses me, and I find myself captivated in his stories. He always knows how to bring me right down to earth, and this time, I know Andy will be okay. Therefore, Julian and I need to have our moment.

That night we tried to carry the sleepyhead to his room, it worked, and just when Julian climbed into bed ready to jump me, Andy’s wail stopped us dead in our tracks. With a guilty conscience, Julian carried him back to our bed.

The mornings always make us laugh—Andy sprawled across the bed with his face in Julian’s neck and his feet in my face. I’m pushed so far off to the edge, frequently waking up with an extremely bad backache.

It’s a failed experiment, and both of us agree we’ll give Andy some time to adjust even if it means we need to put our physical relationship on hold.

I’m confident Andy is doing well emotionally and toy with the idea of him going back to daycare. As a parent, I’m furious with the daycare center even after their numerous attempts to apologize for the incident. Jenny was fired, and with a guilty conscience, I tried to talk the manager out of it, but she insisted that a lesson had to be learned. Hence, why policies and protocols were enforced when employed as a carer of young children.

Andy doesn’t talk much about going back, but Amelia is a born nagger. Not only has she been over several times to inform Andy of everything he has been missing, it now extends to video calls showing off all her pretty artwork.

The day before Andy is due to officially go back to daycare, an unexpected knock on the door startles us while we’re busy preparing goodie bags for Andy’s birthday party this weekend.