But his strength outweighs mine. And in just one move, he has me on all fours. My knees begin to wobble, tired and exhausted. He knows what he’s doing to me, but the selfish bastard doesn’t care. He tells me what he wants.
All of me.
Now.
Here.
Tonight.
And I want all of those things too. I want him to take me everywhere in this room and show me what he’s got. Lay all cards on the table. Take me in every way he’s imagined in his dirty mind until my legs are no longer wobbling but paralyzed instead.
But reality has a way of knocking the fantasy straight out of you. I know I can’t stay, and I have learned fairly quickly that Noah isn’t a patient man. He demands things and doesn’t take well to his needs not being met.
Although the hotel sits in a busy part of Los Angeles, the noise outside cannot be heard inside the four walls of this room. Dead silence, just the beats of our hearts crazily in sync with each other. The most terrifying sound you can hear. Each beat, loud and peculiar, sends chills throughout me.
Noah runs his hands along my arm, slowly warming my skin. He doesn’t realize or understand the complexity of the situation. And now isn’t the moment, so I do the only thing I’ve learned to do around him—run away.
“I need to go, Noah, I have things I need to do in the morning.”
“Why can’t you stay?” Anger and desperation filters through his tone.
Questions. More damn questions.
Every time I try to be civil, we end up arguing and getting into a fight like we’re an old married couple. And sometimes, I purposely pick a fight because I have no idea how else to push him away. I don’t want to hurt him, and every part of me knows that every second that goes past, I’m weaving a bigger web for myself.
“Because I’ve stayed as long as I can tonight. Please, don’t fight with me. Don’t ruin what just happened between us,” I say, keeping the sadness away from my face and replacing it with the smallest of smiles.
He brushes his finger along my lip, hooded eyes watching me suspiciously. “Tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow,” I repeat, above a whisper.
I’m not an emotional person, always finding some way to block the pain. And even at my mother’s funeral, I didn’t shed a tear for fear of coming across weak in front of our family and friends. It was three days later when I finally broke down. Driving to campus for an important exam. I never told Dad or Scarlett how my car stopped at the red light and by the time it turned green, I couldn’t move. Paralyzed with pain. The hurt hit me with such force that my catatonic state alarmed the drivers around me. When I managed to snap out of it, I drove myself to the nearest frat house and lost myself to alcohol, drugs, and sex with random guys. It was my darkest hour. An hour that lasted four days until my friend found me and physically dragged me out of the house.
But something about Noah has struck a nerve. One that I’m struggling to hold back.
I dress and leave him there, hurrying to my car where I drive home in a confused state of mind.
It’s late, just before midnight when I step inside the house and quietly place my keys on the hall table.
“
You’re late,” he says from within the living room.
The room is dimly lit, only the small lamp illuminating a corner of the large room. I stop and keep my back to him, afraid he can see it etched on my face.
“I had stuff that had to be taken care of.”
He remains silent, breathing quietly as I wait nervously for him to speak. “He asked for you.”
And then, the guilt and shame override any happiness I felt for the past few hours. My heart almost falls to the ground, heavy and saddened by the hurt I’ve inflicted on him. Unintentionally, yet still, I should have known better.
Dragging my feet, riddled with guilt, I make my way toward the back of the house and quietly open the door to his room. His nightlight is on, sitting just above his pillow. With gentle snores, I tiptoe to his bed and see him curled in a ball, holding onto his favorite train Gordon. The oldest and wisest train that lives on the island of Sodor. I don’t dare take it out of his hands, instead pulling the blanket over and stopping just below his chin.
Leaning in, I kiss his forehead and pull away, watching him for a few moments. He doesn’t realize how special he is. Despite the challenges he faces on a daily basis, he belongs in the hearts of so many people. Mine, completely full of love for him. And all I want to do is protect him.
I close the door, leaving it slightly ajar in case he calls out through the night. I walk back to my room, where he’s lying on our bed, keeping to his own side.
“He didn’t settle well.”