In Harmony

“Willow?” my father asked. “Are you all right? I thought this would be joyous news.”

“She looks a little pale, Mr. Holloway,” Xavier said, stepping forward. “She’s probably so happy it’s overwhelming. Come dance with me. We need to catch up.”

“What a wonderful idea,” Mrs. Wilkinson said.

“No,” Mom whispered.

Xavier closed his hand around my arm. I nearly screamed. I told myself to scream. But all my nerves were dizzy and numb now. The shock of his presence and its shadowy memories closed around me were like a drug in my drink. I couldn’t speak. I could hardly move, as Xavier pulled me onto the dance floor, I thought I heard my mom calling after me. Her voice tiny through a roaring blizzard, far away and unreachable.

The piano played “What I Did For Love” from A Chorus Line and Xavier drew me toward his body.

“Don’t touch me,” I whispered, holding myself stiff. “I’ll scream…”

“Scream?” His outward face to the crowd pleasant and unruffled, but his eyes confused. “Willow, what’s going on? The way you were looking at me is making me think there’s been a misunderstanding about the last time we talked.”

“A misunderstanding?” I managed. “Talked? We…we didn’t…talk.”

“Is that what you’re upset about? That I didn’t call you again after the party?”

I sucked in a breath. The disconnect from reality was so staggering I could hardly comprehend it.

He turned me in a slow circle, and my body recoiled. Gagged. My skin crawled. Xavier in the flesh, walking around, wearing an expensive suit, smiling and talking and living. Graduating college and planning a future. No night terrors. No sleeping on the floor instead of a bed, no marking his skin with black ink to show

where ‘normal life’ used to be.

It repelled me down to my bones.

I sucked in a breath and the drugged, hazy shock drained out.

“Take your fucking hands off of me,” I seethed.

His hand on mine tightened immediately. The other, at my waist, pulled tighter.

“I think there’s a misunderstanding about what happened that night and I think we should talk it out,” Xavier said, still smiling brightly for anyone watching. “I’m open to it. If you’d stop being so dramatic.”

“You raped me.”

He froze, blinked rapidly, then gave his head a small shake. “I beg your pardon?”

“You heard me, you fucking sadistic asshole. After everyone left, you put something in my drink and you took me up to my room. I don’t remember every last detail, but here’s what I do remember. You were eating peanuts. They were on your breath when you tried to kiss me. To this day the smell of peanut butter makes me gag. I had bruises on my throat where you choked me. Was it one or both hands? Did you need the other hand to subdue me?”

“Willow, this is crazy—”

“I remember you lying on top of me, crushing me. I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak. I thought I was going to die. It was my first time. Did you know that? Did you see the blood in the morning? Did you even stay that long? I doubt it or you would’ve covered your tracks. The evidence was everywhere. On my bed and my clothes. Lucky for you, I felt so degraded and humiliated and violated that I got rid of all of it.”

Xavier’s eyes darkened like a snake getting ready to strike. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I gave you something to drink because you were nervous as hell. I was trying to get you to relax.” He leaned closer. “You drank a lot that night and don’t think no one knows it.”

“I didn’t drink that much.”

“Does it matter? You were dancing all up on me, grinding your ass. Everyone saw it. Who’s to say you weren’t the same in bed? Nervous for your first time and drinking to take the edge off.”

My face paled and my throat threatened to close. “You’re disgusting.”

He laughed. “You don’t remember? I have certain a picture that’ll surely jog your memory about how much you wanted me…”

I fought for calm, held myself away from his body. “I know I’ll be attacked for that photo. People might not believe me because it took so long for me to report you, but I will report you. You make me sick. Looking at you right now makes me physically sick.”

Xavier’s jaw clenched. “I suggest you stop talking to me that way. I suggest you drop this disgusting story of yours.”