The Sinner

I nodded. She was right; a week ago, I would’ve run out of the restaurant for baring myself like that.

“Thanks for not giving up on me.”

“Never.” Jana smiled gently. “Can I ask you a question? You said you used to be able to go to parties. When did that change? I know your father passed and I’m so sorry about that, Luce. I don’t know that I ever told you.”

“You told me.” I smiled back. “But no, it was earlier than that. It was…”

I searched my memory, trying to find a moment or incident that might’ve made me withdraw like the proverbial turtle into its shell. It was before Dad died. A much longer stretch of years. Centuries, even…

“It was gradual,” I said. “The negative voices in my head grew louder and I grew more tired, somehow.”

“Tired of what?”

Not having him.

The thought had risen up from the deepest recesses of my mind, like a flare, wanting to illuminate the empty spaces in me. The dream of the woman and her warrior rushed in after it, daring me to believe it was merely a remnant of Casziel’s life.

“The reason I ask…” Jana frowned. “You okay?”

“Oh, um…yes.”

“You look a little pale.”

“Fine. I promise.” I took a sip of water “What were you saying?”

“Okay, well…this might sound completely condescending so feel free to tell me to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge—but I feel sort of maternal toward you.” Jana laughed, looking a little sheepish. “It’s one hundred percent new baby hormones, I’m sure, but when you said you were going to present on Monday, I was bursting with pride. And I really, really want to see what you do, because I bet it’ll be amazing.”

The presentation. Monday, at work. That was real life.

“Thank you,” I said to Jana. “I don’t know if my idea will be any good. It feels like it’s missing something, but I’m going to go for it anyway.”

“Well? Let’s hear it,” she said and took a bite of her gyro. “I’ll be your dress rehearsal.”

“Okay. If you want…”

“I want.”

I told Jana about my shoe idea and her eyes got wider and wider as she chewed her food.

“Holy shit. Luce…”

“It’s not exactly new,” I said. “Other companies make sustainable apparel, but…”

Jana’s head was bobbing as she took a sip of water. “Bracelets and stuff but not actual shoes. Can it be done? As in, will the shoe hold together?”

I nodded. “I’ve done the research. Instead of using real rubber, plastic can also be used to create synthetic rubber polymers. No sense in robbing the forest to save the ocean.”

“I think it’s genius. But you’re right, it’s missing one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“A celebrity endorsement.” She leaned in confidentially. “My hubby plays golf at Douglaston. Since Wyatt was born, he’s been forbidden to play more than once a month. But do you know who his favorite golfing buddy is?”

“Couldn’t guess.”

“Jason Lemieux. He’s a hotshot sports agent. Has a huge roster of big-time clients under his belt. Clients like Kai Solomon.”

“Um…”