My legs wrapped around his waist, my hips strained against his, and I let out a groan as he ground into me again and again, the hard length of his erection seeking entry through our clothes. He braced himself with one arm while his other hand explored, roughly hiking my dress up to get at bare skin. His hand slid up my thigh, under my dress, to my breast. He palmed me, then pinched the aching nipple. All the while, his mouth plundered and plowed mine, the power in him stealing my breath—otherworldly and barely restrained.
Mindful of the burn on his back, I skimmed his bare torso, feeling the muscles move and slide under my touch. Like a starving woman, I feasted on him with my hands, utterly unafraid of the power every touch ignited in him. I wanted it. I’d go mad if I didn’t have him inside me. My own power that had been sleeping for centuries was waking, along with the pure joy that my lonely search for him was finally over.
My Casziel.
My beloved…
“Ki-áñg ngu,” I whispered, the word slipping easily and perfectly from my lips as if I’d spoken it a hundred times.
Cas froze, then reared back, wrenching his mouth away. His eyes widened, boring into mine in the dimness.
“What did you say?”
“I…I don’t know. It just slipped out. But I think—”
He tore himself off of me, and I was bereft at the sudden loss of his heaviness. He stood in the center of my small place, staring at me, his hand carving through his dark curls—a gesture so thoroughly human it made my heart ache.
I got to my feet. “Cas, it was us, wasn’t it? In Larsa…”
“No. No, you can’t… Gods, I’m a bastard. A careless, selfish bastard.”
“You’re not. Finally, I know who I am. Why I’ve been feeling like I’ve been missing something.” I swallowed hard. “It was you. I’ve been missing you.”
“No! No, Lucy,” he said, pleading. Stricken. “We’re nothing because I am lost. You must forget me.” His mouth drew down in grim determination. “I’ll make you forget.”
He took a step toward me, and I backed away.
“What are you doing?”
“The right thing. Because there’s no hope for me.”
I put out my hand to ward him off, keeping the couch between us. “No,” I said, my lip trembling. “You made me forget before, didn’t you? I remember…the flies. And you holding my face…”
He took another step, and I raced away, nowhere to go in this tiny apartment. I put the kitchen island between us.
“Lucy.” His voice was agonized. “You don’t understand.”
“I understand everything,” I cried. “Years of loneliness. Years—no, lifetimes of it. Wanting you. Waiting for you. You were taken from me and I’m not going to give you up again. No more forgetting—”
I shrieked, as suddenly Casziel disappeared and reappeared in front of me in his demonic form. He gripped both my wrists in one large hand. His huge body pushed me against the sink, feathered wings filling the tiny space while his black-on-black eyes bored into mine. The cold, dreadful sucking pull came with that onyx gaze, but I pressed back, let his hips move in tighter.
His eyes flared, and my heart pounded, fear and want warring in me. Every nerve ending sang with terror, even as I gave myself up to him, offering. Wanting the touch, wanting him. A demon with my beloved trapped inside.
I was helpless against his immense power, but I mustered courage from the deep well in me I didn’t know I had.
“Don’t,” I said, meeting his black gaze, unflinching. “Don’t do it. Don’t leave me. Not again.”
He shook his head, anguish and lust writ in every conflicted line of his face.
“There is no hope for me, Lucy.” His voice was rough and hard but frayed at the edges, betraying his pain. “You will let me go. I’ll make you…”
“No!”
I struggled to free myself, but he was too strong. His thumb pressed the skin between my eyes. Pained regret suffused his voice as he said the word that stole him from me all over again.
“Ñeštug u-lu…”
Eighteen