The Sinner

The journey to my apartment was slow and dreamlike. Every muscle ached, each step leaden. I trembled with cold, drenched with rain and covered with mud and blood. Casziel’s blood. There was so much of it… The warm light and Dad’s presence guided me to my bed where I clutched the black feather in my fist.

My head touched the pillow and I slept, and there were no dreams.

Hours later, I woke with a gasp and bolted upright, panic surging through me. The panic of having lost something precious…

Breathing hard, I glanced around. My T-shirt and sweatpants were clean and dry. The scratches and snakebites on my arms and legs were gone. Sunlight had broken through the storm, streaming into my place with silvery light.

“No.” Anger, fear, and panic surged in me like a high tide. “No, it’s not over. It was real. It was…”

I found the black feather under my pillow. I held it up to the light. Nearly a foot long, it had heat to it and smelled faintly of smoke and ash.

Grief wrapped around me like a tight band. Suffocating and merciless. Nothing felt real. My apartment was a set on a stage, the books and dishes and dead houseplant, all props. Only the feather—and who it had belonged to—was tangible.

A great sob rose in me, but I pushed it down and breathed like a woman in labor, waiting for the clenching pain to ease. It did but lurked, ready to tear me apart if I let it. I couldn’t let it.

“Daddy?” I whispered.

Nothing.

My phone chimed a text from Jana.

RU OK? Missed you yesterday. Big stuff happening with our tennis star. Things moving quickly. Come in here and run this show, girl!

The idea of showering, dressing, taking the E train across town, and then facing everyone at work was the most ludicrous thing I’d ever imagined. But if I stayed home alone, flashes of Cas lying in my arms, bleeding—dying—would come for me. I’d be overwhelmed by living nightmares—demons with black eyes and slashing swords and Ashtaroth’s outstretched hand, offering me a way out…

I texted, Be there soon.

Moving like a zombie, I headed out. At Ocean Alliance, the feeling of being on a movie set intensified. Jana hurried to me with a huge grin on her face that fell when she saw me.

“Woah, hey. Are you okay?”

“Fine.”

“Lucy—”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said, my voice sounding unlike me—firm, strong, and leaving no room for argument. “Let’s get to work.”

Jana agreed but only because I didn’t give her a choice. She sat with me, going over my research, now and then shooting me concerned glances that I ignored. Somehow, I made it through the day.

On our way out, Jana took my arm, stopping me.

“Listen, I don’t know what happened. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to tell me, but I need to know you’re okay. Are you okay? Did something happen with Cas?”

His name was like an arrow into my heart. I managed a faint smile. “I can’t talk about it yet, but you don’t have to worry about me.”

“Too late for that.”

“I’ll be okay. Promise.”

Okay felt like a million miles away—a million lifetimes—but there was nothing Jana could do. It was unfair to burden her with the mountain of pain that wanted to pour out of me.

“See you tomorrow,” I said and began the trek home.

Inside my place, I went directly to the black feather, safely stowed under my pillow. I’d wanted to bring it to work, carry it with me everywhere, but that was impossible. If I lost it…

I lost him.

The pain slugged me in the chest like a cannonball, but I pushed it down and made dinner that I didn’t eat. I dressed in pajamas and held a book I didn’t read. The next morning, I got up and did it all over again.