And the day after that, for three days. I was first to the office, last to leave; I hardly ate and stayed up until three in the morning attempting to read so that I’d fall asleep—exhausted—without allowing my mind time to replay the events of the last few weeks. But I was doing just fine. Everything was back to normal. There was nothing wrong.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew it couldn’t hold, but I was surviving. Even Deber and Keeb had nothing to say.
I’ve slain my demons…
I came home from work and my phone rang as I stepped in the door. Cole was one more vague text away from jumping on a plane, so I answered. Audio call, not FaceTime. If he saw my face, he would jump on a plane and ruin his final exams.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hi,” he said pointedly.
“I know, I’m sorry. I’ve been…busy.”
“We’ve both been busy plenty of times. This is different. What’s going on, Luce? Please tell me.”
Tears threatened but I blinked them back. What could I tell my best friend? That the love of my life—the love of my every lifetime—had been killed in a battle of demons in the empty lot behind my apartment? That there’d been flies and snakes and a candle that burned in the rain? That for a few precious hou
rs, I’d found what I’d been missing and then it was ripped away?
I reached for the feather under my pillow and held it close, its soft tip brushing my chin. The heat of it and the ashy scent were fading. I closed my eyes.
“You were right,” I managed. “Cas and I… You were right. It was him. Not Guy. Guy’s in Sri Lanka but Cas had to…leave, like I told you. So…yeah. I’ll be okay.”
I was conscious I was rambling but hoped it all sounded like boy drama to Cole. I held my breath and let it out when the edge of concern in his tone softened slightly.
“Damn, Luce, I’m sorry. I thought he was the one.”
“Yeah, thanks. Me too.” I cleared my throat. “How about you? You sound tired. Still not sleeping?”
“Oh, the irony, I’m sleeping more but having crazy dreams… Anyway, doesn’t matter. We break for summer in a few weeks. I’ll come for a visit.”
“No, let me come to you. I need to get out of this city.”
“Even better! I can show you around, you can meet some people. It’ll be great.”
“Yep. Great.”
“Lucy,” Cole said. I braced myself. “You’re my best friend. I’m not done worrying about you. I know there’s more to the story with Cas than you’ve told me.”
A flash of a sword bursting out of his chest racked me. I squeezed my eyes shut. “Uh huh.”
“And I just want you to know that I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk. Okay?”
“Okay. Thanks, Cole.”
“Love you.”
“Love you,” I said and quickly hung up.
That night, I ate three bites of dinner and went to bed, staring at the words on the page of a book, not seeing them. I forced myself to keep going until my eyes closed and I slept.
My alarm went off the next morning, as usual. And, as usual, I reached under my pillow for the feather. My hand slid over smooth sheet. I tossed my pillow aside. There was nothing but a feather-shaped smudge of ash.
“No. No, no, no…”
I tore my bed apart, shook out the covers. Gone. The dam in me nearly broke, but I somehow managed to hold myself together. I dressed for work and headed for the door. In the middle of my place, purse in hand, I stopped. Edgar was still in his pot by the open window, utterly dead. His leaves were wilted and brown, falling off one by one. I’d watered him a couple times, but it was too late. He wasn’t coming back.
I carried the plant to the kitchen, stepped on the pedal to open the trashcan, and tossed him in. The lid closed with a snap, and my bag dropped from my hand. I crumpled to the floor as the sobs shook me, breaking me down. I cried until my hands trembled and my stomach ached. Outside, the rain had returned–not a storm but a steady downpour. Inside, I cried my own deluge of tears and wondered if I’d ever get off the floor again.