Autumn
“Hayes, oh my God… Yes…YES…”
My roommate’s voice carried through the house, her drumming headboard keeping time. I smashed my pillow over my face and rolled onto my stomach. A peek at the clock said it was three a.m. Every weekend for the past month, Ruby and the runner from Wesleyan had played this song, whether I wanted to hear it or not.
Finally, after a screaming crescendo that showed Ruby had inherited some of her mother’s vocal prowess, quiet descended on the apartment. But the damage was done—I had to be up in two hours for my double-shift at the Panache Blanc.
I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. I couldn’t even be mad. What Ruby and Hayes had were #relationshipgoals as far as I was concerned. I envied her sleepy, tumbled-in-a-dryer, rumpled look the morning after. I envied even more her ability to keep things light and fun.
I’d tried my best to do the same with Connor, but the last month had been an expanded version of our first date. Our conversations never seemed to last long or delve as deep as I wanted them to. Most of the time, we waded through the shallow waters of small talk.
And yet…
I closed my eyes, remembering soft moments when Connor swept me off my feet with a look. Said something to make me laugh. Or made me feel beautiful and wanted.
And God, could the man kiss…
In the last week of September, we went with his gang to Lake Onota, to swim in the river and have a bonfire afterward. Connor and I kissed under a blanket in the sand, his hands roaming over me until I had to fight to keep my moans quiet.
He succeeded in easing the pain of my break-up, but we’d come to a standstill. I’d told him I wanted to keep it casual and maybe he was honoring that, both by not pushing me into something physical, and by keeping his more sentimental side to himself. But I wished he wouldn’t. Then I could stop fighting and let myself fall.
Or maybe it’s better to keep to solid ground and be single.
I hated single. I hated empty beds and silent mornings. I loved long talks, longer kisses and the feeling of having a partner as I navigated the world; one who would fill many chapters in the story of my life. But I couldn’t escape a nagging feeling I was trying to see something in Connor that wasn’t there; that he would only occupy a few paragraphs in my life’s story, and it made me sad.
I’d miss that smile.
At five, I got up, showered, dressed in black pants and a white blouse and pulled my hair up in a ponytail. I came out of my room just in time to catch Ruby and Hayes saying goodbye at the front door.
“Hiya, Auts,” Hayes called.
I smiled and gave a little wave. “Hiya, Hayes.”
Ruby smacked Hayes playfully on the chest. “Hope this beast didn’t keep you up last night with his X-rated shenanigans.”
“Me?” Hayes’ eyes widened with his smile. “You can’t keep your volume down at my X-rated shenanigans.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “I was feeling homesick but you two brought me right back to the farm during mating season.”
“Ha ha,” Ruby said, while Hayes snickered.
He kissed Ruby a final time. “Bye, baby.”
“Ciao, bello. Until next time.”
She shut the door and leaned against it, a sleepy smile on her face. Then she joined me in the kitchen.
“Coffee?” I asked through a jaw-cracking yawn.
“Hell, no. I’m going back to bed.” She leaned elbows on the
counter. “Did we keep you awake?”
“Oh gosh no, I stayed up to listen on purpose.”
“Perv,” Ruby said. “But I’m sorry we keep doing this to you.”
“I’m not even mad. A little jealous, maybe.”