Forever Right Now

“I…I can’t…” I whispered. “I don’t want to…”

Sawyer’s jaw clenched and he looked away for a moment. “Is there…another guy?” he asked tightly.

I froze, the absurdity of it shocking me. “What? No…”

“Is it what’s his name? Max?”

“No, nothing like that.”

“Are you sure? You mentioned him a couple of times and he’s always texting you…”

Sawyer bit off his words, and carved his hand through his hair.

“Dammit, Darlene, I don’t want to be that guy. The jealous asshole. So I never asked about Max or where you go some nights. It wasn’t my place, but then our moment in the dance studio happened, and now it feels like it is my place. I mean…I’m not saying you can’t see other people. We haven’t figured anything out. But I have to be honest, if you are seeing other people, it would fucking suck, okay? And I think you should tell me, so I know the score.” He held his hands out, a hard, joyless smile playing over his lips. “So there. I guess I’m a jealous asshole after all.”

The tears blurred my eyes so I almost couldn’t see him. “You...you would be jealous if I were seeing someone else?”

“Jesus, do I have to say it again?” Sawyer gave an incredulous shake of his head. “What the hell, Darlene, just tell me.”

“I’m scared,” I whispered. “I’m scared that if I tell you what I need to tell you, you’ll never look at me like you looked at me tonight.” My lips trembled over a teary smile. “I just wanted that for a little bit longer, you know? That feeling…?”

Sawyer held my gaze a moment, and then swallowed hard. “Darlene,” he said gruffly. “I haven’t so much as touched a woman in almost a year. You’re the first. Because I care about…I think about you…”

He clenched his teeth and carved his hand through his hair again.

“Fucking hell, I can’t talk about what I feel. I don’t. I never do. My life has been Olivia and law school and keeping my goddamn head above water. And that’s it. And then you came along and now everything’s different. It’s better. It’s better, Darlene, when I’d sort of given up on being happy.”

“Oh, God, don’t say that,” I whispered. “Or no, I want you to. Part of me wants you to keep talking because it’s incredible to me that I could…be that for someone. For you. But it makes this so much harder.”

He looked to the ground and planted his hands on his hips, bracing himself. “Just tell me the truth. Are you seeing someone else?”

“No,” I said. “I—”

A text came in on my phone, and I knew without looking it was Max. He’d gotten the news about his transfer. I froze and Sawyer’s expression hardened to stone. The rare vulnerability in his eyes vanished. He was walling himself up, second by ticking second. Another chime came, and then my phone rang.

“It’s him, isn’t it?” Sawyer said.

“Yes. But he’s not… I’m not dating him. I’m not dating anyone.”

“Then who is he?”

“A friend, I promise. He’s… not what you think.”

Sawyer held up his hands as he walked backward a few steps. “I don’t know what to think.” My phone rang on and on. “You should get that,” he said, then turned and strode away.

I watched him go, the words to call him back stuck in my throat. My phone went quiet, then started ringing again. I fished it out of my bag.

“Hi, Max,” I said softly.

“Hey, Dar.” He sounded breathless and exhilarated. “I’m calling you first. Before my other friends or anyone…I had to tell you. It doesn’t feel real until I tell you.”

“You got the job.”

“I got the job. They say I might have to leave at any time. Whenever the paperwork is finalized and something about a contact in Seattle, but holy shit, I got it.”

I sagged against Nopa’s wall, my shoulders hunched against the world. “I’m so happy for you. I’m so happy and yet completely crushed at the same time.”

“I know,” he said. “I’m sorry and yet I have to thank you.”