Forever Right Now

The judge sat back in his chair. “And did you prevail?”

“I did,” I said, “but I shouldn’t have. Not under the law.”

The words that had been tangled in knots and locked in my heart, unraveled. Finally. Not on paper, in black and white ink, but in words spoken from one man to another.

“I won custody of my daughter, except she isn’t technically my daughter. Under the law as prescribed, I came up just short of the year deadline under which she would have been mine. And without my blood in her veins, I was going to lose her to her grandparents who can provide her with everything she could ever want.”

I could feel Roger’s eyes darting back and forth between us, watching intently to see how my words landed on Judge Miller’s face.

“I did try to write your brief,” I said. “About my mother. She was killed by a drunk driver, and I was going to write how I wanted to do a better job than the prosecutor who plea bargained, and put her killer back out on the street. He let him go, my mother died, and my family was ripped apart. My father, brother and I were flung far away from one another because of an addict, and that addict became the standard by which I judged all other addicts.”

Judge Miller laced his fingers together and rested his chin on them, listening intently.

“I had facts and figures memorized; recidivism rates, and the statistics that painted a bleak picture for drug-and-alcohol-related crimes. Had I written that brief with those facts and figures, you would have given the job to Roger. But I met a woman who is fighting the same battle as the man who killed my mother. The only difference is that she never gave in, even when no one believed in her. When I didn’t believe in her. This woman…she showed me life. Not the rules and the laws, but everything in between.”

Judge Miller’s eyes never left mine, and I drew in a shuddering breath, endeavoring to be professional.

But this is life. Sometimes it’s messy.

“I made a promise to my daughter’s grandparents that wasn’t sealed by law,” I said. “They accepted knowing they had no legal recourse should I renege. But they trusted me because Darlene showed them—and me—what a second chance truly means. Thanks to her, my daughter has a father and grandparents, both. Family. I have a family for the first time in fifteen years.”

I fought for control, as the enormity of what Darlene had done for me swept through me. I blinked hard, and swallowed harder.

“As a federal prosecutor, I’m going to fight to uphold the law one case at a time. One individual at a time. I want justice for victims, no question; but I will have the evidence in front of me, instead of my anger and rage behind me. That’s gone now, and I have one amazing, strong, brave woman to thank for that. My career will be forever aimed at making her proud and doing right by her. All else, including this job, will come second. Thank you.”

I slumped in my chair feeling as if I had just purged myself of something heavy and black that had been weighing me down. I wondered if Darlene felt like that, standing in front of her meeting group, telling the absolute truths of her heart, and a wave of pride swept over me. It didn’t even matter what the judge decided. I could go home to Darlene and Olivia and be the kind of man they both deserved, with or without this job.

The room grew quiet. Judge Miller was looking at me the way my father once did when I’d come home from school with all A’s or after I’d hit a home run in Little League. Before my mother was gone and he was still able to be Dad without it hurting so damn much.

Roger glanced at me, then at Judge Miller’s expression. A small smile flitted over his face and he rose to his feet. He straightened his jacket, picked up his briefcase and offered his hand to the judge.

“Your Honor, it’s been a pleasure,” he said. Then he turned to me and offered his hand. “Congratulations.”

Roger walked out the door and closed it behind him. Judge Miller did not call him back.

At the Victorian, I stepped inside my place. Darlene was at the kitchen counter, nervously flipping through a magazine. She stopped when she saw me; searched my face for clues. I fought to keep my expression neutral.

“Olivia’s taking a nap,” she said in a low voice. “So?”

“Well…” I rubbed the back of my head, keeping my gaze cast down.

“Holy hell, Sawyer Haas, I love you, but I’m going to kill you if you don’t tell me right now. Did you get it?”

A smile spread over my face in tandem with love for this woman spreading in my heart. “I got it.”

Darlene squealed then covered her mouth. She hobbled over to me and threw her arms around my neck and I lifted her up, holding her tight to me.

“It’s no

t official; I have to have passed the bar. But now that I can look at it without being scared to death with custody hearings, I think I passed that bastard.”

“I’m so proud of you,” she said kissing me over and over. “But I’m not surprised. Not in the least.” She held my face in her hands. “My Sawyer the Lawyer.”

“Sawyer the Clerk of the Court.”

She pretended to think about that a moment. “Doesn’t have the same ring to it, but I’ll take it.”

“I’ll take you,” I said, carrying her to the bedroom. “Again and again and again…”