I took a step toward him and then Caitlin grabbed my arm, bouncing excitedly.
“It’s starting! Your dance with River.”
Evelyn’s smile could have cut glass, her eyes boring into me. I turned away to seek Miller again, but he and Amber were gone.
“Oh no…” I stood on tiptoe in my heels, searching.
“And now,” the DJ intoned, “it’s time for your Homecoming King and Queen to come up here for their official coronation dance. Please help me first welcome your king, River Whitmore!”
The crowd cheered and heads turned to look.
The DJ tried again. “Your king, River Whitmore!”
My cheeks burned as a room full of eyes now were turning to me in pity and curiosity. Some snickering and whispering. My phone vibrated a text within my clutch purse. Conscious that the entire school was watching me while the DJ stalled for time with dumb jokes, I pulled it out and read the text from River.
I can’t make it. I’m sorry.
Worry that something had happened to him or his mom evaporated, and humiliation flooded in. It carried with it a strange lightness. As if a burden had been lifted.
“He’s not coming,” I murmured.
My phone slipped out of my trembling hand and hit the gym floor. I glanced up to a sea of eyes still watching me. Julia and Caitlin gave me pitying stares, while Evelyn couldn’t conceal the triumph in her smirk. Someone told the DJ to play another song, and music filled the gym, covering the murmurs and talk.
None of it mattered. I had to find Miller. He mattered, and it had taken me long enough to realize it.
I ran out of the gym and rounded the corner, the chilly night air cooling my burning cheeks, and stopped short. My breath caught.
Twenty or so yards away, just outside a cone of light, Miller sagged against a wall while Amber knelt in front of him, her back to me, her hands on his hips, her head bobbing. His eyes were closed, his handsome face twisted in a grimace. Of pain or pleasure, I couldn’t tell.
I swung back around the corner, my bare shoulder blades crashing against the rough cement. I clapped a hand to my mouth before any sound could escape. My breath rasped in my nose and my legs went weak.
“Stupid,” I whispered behind my hand, tears streaming. “I’m so stupid.”
And too late. Four years and a few minutes too late.
After a few ragged moments, the first sharp pain passed. The fist in my chest closed up tight again and sank to my
stomach like a heavy lead ball. I sucked in deep breaths and dried my tears, leaving mascara smudges on the heels of my hands.
Then I pushed off the wall and went home.
Part III
Chapter Thirteen
March
Are we hanging out today or not??
I read the text from Amber and sighed.
“Uh oh,” Holden said, walking to my left. Ronan was on my right as we crossed the grassy expanse leading into school on a sun-filled morning. “Girl trouble. Again. You could always switch to my team, you know. Less drama.”
I shot him a look. “Less drama.”
“Okay fine, I’m a handful, but if you told Amber you were gay, you could finally break up with her and put all of us out of our misery.”
“Word,” Ronan concurred.