The doctor cleared his throat. “Protocol dictates that you’ll need to speak to Alice, from the Donor Network before any—”
“No,” I said, getting back to my feet. “Tell Alice—tell Ray that I don’t want his fucking donation. Wait, you said we could do the surgery in two days?” My blood ran hot in my veins. “He’s here, isn’t he?”
Violet moved to put a soothing hand on my arm. “Miller, let’s stay calm…”
Dr. Monroe wore a sympathetic expression. “I understand it’s a complicated situation—”
“It’s not fucking complicated,” I snapped. “It’s really damn easy. I don’t want his help. Tell him to go back to wherever he’s been for the past seven years and stay there.”
“You have the right to consent or not for this procedure,” Dr. Monroe said, trying for calm. “But I have to advise you that if you turn this down, you will spend whatever time it takes to find a suitable match with the same dangerous, wildly fluctuating glucose levels, compounded by chronic kidney failure. You’ll need to set aside three days a week to spend four hours a day on a dialysis machine until that donor becomes available.” His face softened. “He’s a perfect match, Miller. One in a million. Please think very carefully before you make any decisions.”
I gritted my teeth and waited until he was gone.
Violet slipped her hand in mine. “Miller…”
“No fucking way.”
“Listen to what Dr. Monroe said.”
“I heard what he said, and I’m not doing it, Vi. When Dad left, I vowed that no matter what happened, I would never need him again. Ever. And I did it. I took care of Mom and…” The emotions were rising in my throat, threatening to choke me. Stinging my eyes. “It’s not right. It’s not fucking right that he shows up after all this time. And when he does, it’s for this? A fucking organ transplant that I’d be an idiot to refuse?”
I went past her to pace the small space in front of the window. A giant aluminum balloon with a yellow happy face drifted in front of me. I punched it out of my way.
“I know,” Violet said gently. “It’s a lot.”
“It’s too much. I can’t say no, right? I’m a fucking idiot if I say no. If I say yes, I betray every fucking thing I worked so hard for.”
She moved to stand beside me. “It only feels that way because you haven’t reconciled with him. Or tried. Talk to him, please. Talk to him first before you decide anything.”
I shook my head, wiping my eyes on the shoulder of my T-shirt. “What the hell do I say to him, Vi?”
“Everything, Miller, that you’ve ever wanted to say to him.”
“That’s too much.” I shook my head, the armor I’d forged in the fire of abandonment reforming around me. “No, forget it. He doesn’t get to do this. This is not how it happens.”
“Miller,” she said, pleading. “You need this. You need his help.”
“Not like this.”
“Miller…”
“I’m checking the hell out of here. I’ll get through this the same way I have for the last seven years. Without his fucking help.”
“And I’m supposed to be okay with this?” Violet said, her voice rising, tears standing out in her eyes. “You’re sick, Miller. And your dad is trying to do what parents are supposed to do. Make it better.”
I closed my eyes, willing her words not to seep in between the cracks in my wall. But I was so tired of fighting. Tired of carrying the pain around with me.
It’s making me sick.
Violet took my hand again, her voice softer, soothing. The voice she would use with her own patients a decade from now.
“You have the right to be angry and hurt, but it’s eating you up inside. Stop holding yourself back from him. Holding back to keep from being hurt never did either of us any good.” She held the back of my hand to her lips. “Talk to him. Not for his sake, for yours. Give yourself some peace.”
I stared at the ceiling, then at Violet’s beautiful face. The anguish in her eyes, the same as it had been seven years ago. The same as it had been every time I pushed her away and hated myself for it later.
But God, how could I look my mom in the eye?
I sh