“I know but… I’ve been a dick in class and now I’m calling you up in the middle of the night and dumping my shit in your lap. Things are just so fucked up right now. Like trying to steer a sinking ship. My dad’s kind of falling apart, and my sister barely talks. It’s just not a good time for me to…upheave everything. The other night…that can’t happen again. It won’t. I was drunk…”
I gritted my teeth. “You’ve made that abundantly clear.”
“But that doesn’t change what I said.”
I’d kill them… Anyone who tried to do it again…
“You said a lot of things. I don’t even remember—”
“Yes, you do.” River’s voice grew deep and solid now. “What they did to you was fucking wrong, and it means something that you told me. I just want you to know that.”
For the first time in years, my whirring, chirping brain had nothing to say. No witty comeback or barb to deflect how his words hit me hard and then sank in softly.
River mistook my silence and gusted a sigh. “Okay. So, that’s all I wanted to say. Thanks for listening and…everything else. That night was just like you said. A timeout. And I needed it.”
“Will you be back at school tomorrow?” I asked and cringed at the pathetic hope in my voice.
“I don’t think so. Just trying to make it through the night.”
“The reason I ask is that you’ve missed a lot of Calculus,” I added quickly. “If you want me to tutor you, just say so. No need for drama.”
He laughed a little. “Glad to hear that offer still stands.”
“Always.”
“Okay well…goodnight, Holden.”
“Goodnight, River.”
The line went quiet and I stared at the phone in my hand for long moments, then climbed into bed.
It can’t happen again.
There it was. The official end to whatever the hell happened on Saturday night. Just another painful moment like every other painful moment in my life; a teetering stack my sanity tap-danced on. One day it would come crashing down.
In the meantime…
I wasn’t a praying person by nature, mostly because when I’d needed help, there was only cold silence. But that night, I prayed to whatever God or gods that might be listening to give River and his mom a little more time. Another day, at least. Let whatever needed to happen, happen when the sun was shining and not in the black, indifferent night.
The next morning, a text was waiting for me.
She made it. They’re even talking about letting her go home this afternoon. This is heavier shit than you need to be dealing with, but it didn’t feel real until I told you. Thank you. –R
I held the phone to my chest, almost hugging it. A knock came at my door a moment later.
“Mr. Holden?” Beatriz called. “Venha comer. Você vai se atrasar para a escola.”
Come eat. You will be late for school.
I squeezed my eyes shut, as a small smile spread across my lips against my will.
“Mr. Holden? Você tá bem?”
Are you okay?
“Tô bem,” I called back. “Today, I am okay.”
Part II