To Love Again

she added lovingly, leaving Christi in no doubt as to her feelings for her new husband.

‘He’s a man that needs me,’ she explained with satisfaction.

She gave a gasp. ‘Lucas

‘Never needed me,’ Marsha said without rancour. ‘Lucas is a man who is sufficient unto

himself. Surely you must have realised that by now?’ She frowned. ‘He’s a man who can do

anything, be anything he wants to be, and he doesn’t need anyone’s help or encouragement

to do it. My God, he made millions just because he believed he could, and he certainly didn’t

ask for any help from me.’

‘The fact that you were supportive

‘Didn’t mean a damn thing to him,’ Marsha dismissed softly. ‘He could have gone right

ahead and made a success of his life without me. Haven’t the last five years proved that?’ she

derided.

Christi was frowning. ‘But you were the one who decided to end the marriage,’ she reminded,

keeping her voice low so that the children shouldn’t hear their conversation.

‘Because I was empty inside. Lucas didn’t need me, and the love that had been there

in the beginning had slowly died through being ignored. Al I had left were my children, and I

didn’t see why they should be caught in the middle of a loveless marriage that was making me

bitter and Lucas distant and withdrawn. I did the only thing I could in those circumstances,

and put an end to everyone’s unhappiness. The children are well adjusted, and Lucas and I

were free to find our own happiness as best we could. My only worry over the years,’ a

shadow darkened the glow of her eyes, ‘was that Lucas would one day try to take the

children from me.’ She shrugged. ‘It made me very defensive, but I don’t think anyone can

appreciate how desolate such a possibility can seem to a mother, how the fear can just

eat you up.’ She shuddered at the memory. ‘Thank God all that’s over!’

But it wasn’t, it wasn’t! Obviously Marsha considered her marriage to Julian secured the

children staying with her indefinitely; she didn’t seem to have realised that Lucas’s own marriage

gave him the same advantage. And Christi was no longer sure Lucas taking the children was the

right thing to do. The children were well adjusted, for the most part they accepted their lives as

they were, and to uproot them now would be to do them more harm than good. In the past,

she had thought only of Lucas’s happiness, but her own pregnancy changed her whole way of

thinking. Marsha’s life would be devastated if Lucas should take Daisy and Robin from her,

whereas Lucas, for all that he missed the children, had made a separate life for himself.

‘Yes,’ she agreed dully, forcing a tight smile.

Marsha gave her a searching look. ‘Are you feeling all right?’ she frowned. ‘You look

a little pale, and—Christi, are you pregnant?’ she said wonderingly.

She raised stricken eyes, swallowing with difficulty. ‘I —I—’

‘You are,’ Marsha murmured softly. ‘Lucas must be over the moon ... You haven’t told him

yet,’ she said self-reprovingly as Christi paled even more. ‘Don’t worry, I won’t say anything

to spoil your surprise.’ She patted Christi’s hand reassuringly. ‘You two were made for each

other,’ she said a little wistfully. ‘To us, the children were just what held us together, to you

and Lucas they will just be an added bonus.’

If only that were true, but Lucas had already made his feelings more than plain when it

came to having more children. He didn’t want any at all just yet, if he ever did!

‘I’m not quite certain about the pregnancy yet,’ she began hesitantly.

Marsha gave her a teasing look. ‘What you mean is that you haven’t had it confirmed

yet,’ she mocked lightly. ‘Most women are certain before they even get as far as seeing a

doctor.’

She had been certain for weeks now, had just been putting off the moment it was made

official. Because then she would have no choice but to tell Lucas.

‘Don’t wait too long to tell Lucas,’ Marsha laughed softly. ‘I can’t wait to see his face

when he finds out he’s to be a father- again!’ It was said completely without vindictiveness.

There were several other things she had to tell Lucas before she even mentioned the

possibility that she might be pregnant and, close as they had become since their marriage,

she didn’t relish the idea of tel ing him she no longer believed he should try to take Daisy and

Robin away from their mother!

CHAPTER TEN

‘WHEN are you going to tell Marsha you intend trying to take the children from her?’

Christi asked Lucas steadily, tired of the polite conversation they had been having since leaving

the other couple, about how happy they seemed together. It seemed hypocritical when Lucas was

poised to shatter that happiness! She was unprepared for the sudden swerving of the car,

accompanied by Lucas’s startled exclamation, and was flung forcefully against the door,

bruising her side. She watched with wide eyes as Lucas pulled the car over to the side of the

road after gesturing his apology to the driver in the car behind for his erratic driving.

An ominous silence filled the car once he had switched off the engine, despite the fact

that they were in a built-up area of London. Christi gazed at Lucas apprehensively. The

silence became oppressive as Lucas seemed incapable of speech, until finally Christi couldn’t stand

it any longer.

‘Lucas—’

‘What on earth are you talking about?’ He turned to her fiercely, her own speech

seeming to have triggered his own, his eyes glowing silver. ‘Christi, answer me, damn it!’ he

demanded as she hesitated.

She frowned at his anger. ‘I know you haven’t chosen to discuss it with me yet, but we

both know you want Daisy and Robin to come and live with us.’

Lucas became suddenly still, watching her steadily. ‘We do?’

‘Yes,’ Christi confirmed impatiently, turning in her seat. ‘You made love to me, married

me, so that you could apply for custody of them.’

He drew in a harsh breath. ‘I did?’

She sighed heavily. ‘Lucas, talk to me, don’t keep shutting me out!’

His mouth thinned, his nostrils flaring angrily. ‘Talk to you? Yes, maybe I should talk to

you,’ he rasped. ‘But, you know, right now I’m so angry I don’t think I can talk in a rational

way that would make sense to either of us! I will say this,’ he grated. ‘I married you because I

love you, have always loved you, even though I told myself for years that I didn’t have the

right to draw you into the mess I had already made of my life. One other thing, ’ he pushed

his car door open forcefully, ‘I never, at any time,’ he spoke precisely, cuttingly, ‘considered

taking Daisy and Robin from their mother.’

‘But—where are you going?’ She looked at him desperately as he swung out of the car on

to the road.

He bent down to look at her, his eyes bleak. ‘I’m going to try and walk the bad taste

out of my mouth,’ he told her harshly.

‘But

‘Drive yourself home, Christi,’ he added dully. ‘I’m not sure that I’ve ever really known

you.’ He shook his head. ‘It’s certain you’ve never really known me.’ He slammed the car

door, walking away.

It took her only seconds to open her own car door and climb out on to the

pavement. ‘Lucas,’ she called to him as he began to disappear among the people milling

about on the pavement. ‘Lucas!’ she cried again as he kept right on walking, the tears starting to

fall hotly down her cheeks.

He had gone, disappeared completely among the people who were now starting to gaze at

her curiously, obviously wondering what a crying woman was doing standing beside a car

parked in a ‘No Parking’ area.

It was the latter fact that galvanised her into action. Lucas was gone, swallowed up by

the crowd; she couldn’t just stand here hoping he would come back—especial y when she knew he

wasn’t going to do that! The approaching policeman made her movements all the quicker,

for she didn’t relish the idea of explaining her predicament to a complete stranger.

How she made the drive back to the apartment she didn’t know; she must have been on

‘automatic pilot’, because when she found herself unlocking the apartment door she couldn’t

remember any of the drive back there.

Even with the pets milling around for affection, the apartment felt so empty; Lucas’s

presence was everywhere—and nowhere. This was his apartment; even after weeks of sharing it

with him, it still didn’t have her mark upon it, and she suddenly felt like an intruder.

Lucas loved her. Had always loved her, he said, She had known the affection was there,

but love? He had never told her he loved her; he had made love to her, then married her,

all without the mention of the word love! Would he ever come back? Would he ever give them

a chance to have that ‘talk’ they so desperately needed to have? Would she ever have the

chance to tell him she was expecting his child? She had been sitting alone in the apartment for