There was excitement in her voice, and it made me smile, but also, it made me wonder what it was like to be that happy about something as an adult. I hadn’t been that enthusiastic about anything since I was a kid. Natalie was the same as Evie in that respect, although she had never been excited about work. Mostly she got excited about spending money. Maybe it was a girl thing.
“That sounds cool,” I said. “That you enjoy your work, I mean.”
“Being self-employed is amazing once you get a good client base and a good reputation. But it’s hard work at first.”
“I wouldn’t mind having a job I enjoy but I can’t do it yet. I probably won’t be able to afford it ever.”
“What kind of thing do you want to do?”
“I want to write. I’d like to work for a magazine, reviewing bands and stuff. I don’t know how to go about it because I’ve never had any training or experience. I just think I’d be good at it, but that doesn’t look very impressive on a CV.”
Evie smiled. “Enthusiasm goes a long way in that kind of job. I know some people who work in the industry. I can ask around for you, if you like?”
I shook my head. “Thanks, but I don’t think I can handle a pay cut. I know in the beginning those jobs might not pay well enough, or have enough work for me to cover rent and everything.”
“Hmm. It is difficult, even with two people splitting the bills.”
That was an alien concept to me. If Natalie worked more, I might have been able to do it, but when I’d tried to talk to her about what I wanted to do when we first got together, she’d said how hard it was to get that kind of job and do well. Stability was important to her. If I couldn’t support her, she wouldn’t stay. And she definitely wasn’t interested in working any more hours.
“I probably wouldn’t be that good at it anyway,” I said. “It’s not as easy as it looks.”
“It’s not, but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t. You know a lot about music. You know what you’re talking about. You could do it.”
Her words hit my ears then disappeared, not making it to my brain. She was just being polite. Even if I could afford to take the job I wanted, I’d probably be fired within a week for not being good enough. And then what? Back to the bar. I was better off saving myself the embarrassment.
“You should have more confidence in yourself,” she said, watching me closely. I wasn’t sure what my body language or facial expressions were showing her, but she’d read them well. I didn’t have much to be confident about, but I a
lso didn’t want her to think I was a complete loser. Right then, she was the only person in my life who had no idea what a fuck up I was, and I wanted to keep it that way. If we kept going to gigs together, she’d work it out eventually, but until then, I wanted her to see me the way I saw her. As someone who wanted to remember what it was like to have fun.
“You should take your own advice.” I hoped I’d said the words as kindly as I meant them; I wasn’t trying to offend her or snap at her. When she smiled, I let out a breath of relief that she’d understood.
“Oh, really?” she asked. “And what makes you say that?”
“I know I don’t really know you or anything, but I do know you were nervous in Exeter.”
“I was.” She gave a small shrug. “I’m kind of a mess, and it has a lot to do with the fact that I’m almost thirty and still haven’t got my life in order.”
“You have your own business.”
She nodded. “But there are lots of things I don’t have. And some things I lost. Some of them I can get back, some of them I can’t. I always thought that by the age of thirty, I’d be more settled. So, I’m trying to experience some things I missed out on, taking some risks, and trying to work out where I go from here.” Her cheeks coloured and she looked down at her drink. “Sorry. You don’t need to know this much about me.”
“It’s fine. I’m happy to listen.”
“Well, it’s all pretty boring.”
“You could tell me more of the things you want to do.”
Evie winced slightly. “You have to promise not to judge me. Please understand I was in a relationship for a really long time. And because of that, I skipped a few steps in the ‘finding myself’ process. Truthfully, I suppose that’s what I’m trying to do now.”
She smiled again, and again, I thought how pretty she was. And contradictory. In some ways, she was so confident, like when she talked about work. But personal stuff made her uncomfortable. She was one step ahead of me. I wasn’t even that confident talking about work. Music was the only thing I had any kind of authority on. I knew music. I breathed music. Music was where I was comfortable.
“No judgement,” I told her. “Tell me what you want to do.”
“Okay.” She let out a breath. “The things will seem silly but…” she paused.
I laughed; something that had been lacking in my life for a while. “Just tell me.”
Her cheeks flushed and she grinned sheepishly. “All right. I want to see Youth Authority live again. Without freaking out this time. I also want to get a tattoo and-”