Unintended

“Wait.” I laughed again. “You want to get a tattoo?”

She narrowed her eyes at my amusement. “You said no judgement.”

“I wasn’t judging,” I said quickly, and I felt warmth in my cheeks. Out of habit, my body tensed then slowly relaxed again when she didn’t move. “You just don’t seem like a tattoo person.”

“Why not?” She didn’t sound offended, more amused, but I couldn’t say what I was thinking. I’d sound like I was trying it on with her. But she was waiting for an answer.

“Well, I… it’s… I thought you…”

She laughed softly as I stumbled over my words. “Okay, one thing you should know about me right up front. I’m not easily offended. You can say pretty much anything to me. It’s fine.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything bad. But I think… you seem too sensible to get a tattoo.”

Her smile dropped a little and she looked down at her drink for a second. “I’ve always been too sensible. It’s probably just who I am. But I want to break out of what’s normal and comfortable for me, because, if I don’t… I might as well give up on everything.”

A small flicker in her eyes told me that maybe she wasn’t as together as she pretended. And her words. If she was considering giving up on everything… God, I knew how that felt. My chest ached a bit when I saw on her face a look I’d seen in the mirror more than once.

“If you want to talk about anything… I probably can’t help, but if you want someone to listen, I can do that,” I told her quietly.

“Likewise,” she said. “If there’s anything you want to talk about, I’m pretty good at listening too.”

I nodded. I wasn’t sure there was any way I’d ever be able to take her up on her offer, but, for the first time in a while, I felt something wake up inside me.

Hope.

“This is amazing!” I shouted in Ash’s ear as we stood amongst the dancing crowd, watching Chaos In The Courtyard. I couldn’t handle being too close to the front—the fans there were crazier than the ones in Exeter—but we were just over halfway back, and although it was busy, it wasn’t making me feel claustrophobic.

This was my first time seeing Ash at a gig—and his first time seeing me at one too—but he looked so different. The times I’d seen him before, he was always a bit tense. Edgy. But in the club, all the stiffness in his posture vanished. Beside me, he moved to the music and sang along to the words with everyone else, seemingly forgetting the rest of the world. I felt like this was my first glimpse of the real Ash. The one who’d told me he wanted to write about bands for a living. Anyone with as much passion as he had for music would do well, no matter about his lack of experience.

He grinned, a huge smile I hadn’t seen before. “Yes!” he shouted back. “Are you okay here? Do you want to move back a bit?”

I shook my head. “No, I’m fine!”

He gave me a quick thumbs up and we turned our attention back to the stage. Adrenaline pumped through me as, instead of letting the heavy beats stress me, I allowed them to fill me up, moved with them, and focused on the lyrics, the sounds. The vibe was electric, and even though the heat in the room bothered me, I didn’t want to let it take over. I wanted to stay, deal with the pricklings of anxiety and just… be.

When the music slowed for a rare ballad, Ash and I put our hands in the air and swayed with the other people in the room, both singing along at the top of our voices.

Yes. This is a slice of what I want.

I felt alive for the first time in… I couldn’t even remember. What had I been missing out on my whole life by not getting out and being with other people who loved the things I loved? I couldn’t put a price on this level of euphoria. I wasn’t even drunk; I was high on the atmosphere.

The time went too fast. The show was over too soon, and although I was still buzzing, disappointment washed through me as the lights came up. I didn’t want to go home yet. I didn’t want to go back to reality.

As people turned to leave or go to the bar, I reached out for Ash’s wrist, gripping on to it so I didn’t lose him in the crowd. I felt him tense so hard, I let go of him immediately, my face heating. I hadn’t meant to alarm him, I just didn’t want to get stuck in the sea of people alone.

“Sorry,” I said, looking away from him, disappointed that I’d killed the euphoria so quickly. He was no longer the chilled person I’d spent the last couple of hours with. He was the nervous guy I’d met on the bridge.

“No, it’s okay,” he said, even though I could see it wasn’t. He looked a little out of breath, like he was afraid. But why? Of what? Surely not of me. I hadn’t held his wrist hard enough to hurt him. Maybe it was just that he didn’t like anyone invading his space, and I hadn’t intended to do that at all.

“I… I didn’t want to get crushed,” I said, feeling like a total arse.

“It’s fine, honest.” He looked down at me, his expression almost as mortified as my own. “I should have said earlier but, I have to go and meet my girlfriend now. I can’t…” He paused and blew out a breath. “If she sees me with you… She’s really possessive.”

Oh. Okay, that made sense. If a possessive girlfriend saw her boyfriend walking out of a club with some random woman holding onto him, I could see why that would be an issue.

“Wait. Does she know you met me here tonight?” I asked.

He shook his head, lowering his gaze to the ground.