I stared at the closed door, trying to understand what just happened. I’d had a small reminder of the woman I loved. The one who wanted to just sit beside me and talk. The one who cared how my day was.
But then she got what she’d wanted. Life was back to normal.
I couldn’t stomach the coffee anymore. Instead of finishing it, I stood up, tucked myself away, and lay down on the couch, my eyes fixed on the ceiling.
“Get out of the way.”
I blinked a couple of times, but I was too slow. I felt a kick to my feet, knocking them from the sofa to the floor, and I moved out of the way before she could sit on me. She held a bowl of cereal and rested it on the arm of the couch.
Yup. Definitely back to normal.
It was still only eight o’clock, and it had to have been around three before I went to sleep. I hadn’t even been thinking. My mind had gone dark, empty. I’d just lay on my back, staring straight ahead until my eyes had closed.
Lucky for me, Natalie had to go to work that day which meant I could go back to sleep in an hour, when she left. She worked in a supermarket three days a week; a job she hated but felt she had to do, as if to prove she was making a contribution. It was a joke. She contributed nothing. Sometimes she went out food shopping, but mostly, the money she earned was hers.
Instead of sitting with her in silence, I stood up and went to the bathroom to have a quick shower. A really quick one, because I knew she’d flip if I took too long. I needed to freshen up. To wash the memory of last night off me and maybe start to feel like a normal human again. I wrapped a towel around my waist after my five minute shower and walked towards the bedroom to find clean clothes.
I took my time, and she still didn’t speak to me when she came in to get her own clothes before going into the bathroom. I didn’t put too much effort into what I wore because I wasn’t going anywhere. I went to the kitchen to make coffee, feeling like I was starring in a boring version of Groundhog Day. With my drink made, I went back to the living room, back to the sofa and sat down, watching the clock. Right on time, Natalie came out of the bathroom, and I heard her moving around, getting ready. Even though I had done nothing to annoy her, I knew from her morning mood it was best to keep still and quiet.
“Clean this place up while I’m gone, babe.” She barked out the words then slammed the front door.
Calling me babe was about as meaningful as her using me to get herself off the night before. Just a word, like last night was just an action. She must have still loved me though. She had to. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t stay. She wouldn’t still smile at me in that way she had, or tell me she missed me.
She wouldn’t be here.
I picked up my phone and turned it on and, right away, I was alerted to a message from Evie.
Evie West: It was no problem. And, no, I haven’t been through anything like you have, but I know what it’s like to be in a confusing relationship.
I wondered what she meant by that. I supposed there were many ways a relationship could be confusing, but I couldn’t think beyond my own situation. What else could be confusing?
Me: I’m sorry. At least you’re out of it now.
Evie West: In a manner of speaking. It doesn’t just go away though.
Me: I guess not. Did you have any thoughts on when we can meet?
Evie West: There’s nothing much on I want to see at the moment. With Christmas coming up, there isn’t a lot going on.
Me: Can we just pick something random and go to that?
I was aware that I sounded desperate, but I really wanted to get away.
Evie West: Lol, see what you can find and I’ll try to make it work.
I didn’t need asking twice. I pulled up my browser on my phone and began searching for my favourite venues far enough away from home to need an overnight stay, and looked for upcoming shows on nights I wasn’t working. It took a while, but eventually I found one by Black Tree Vultures in Birmingham. The downside? It was four days before Christmas.
A grown-up like Evie probably wouldn’t want to or be able to go on that date. Panic hit me as my hope of some time out began to slip away. I had no idea what she even did for Christmas, and again, I felt like a prick for not knowing more about her. She’d been so good to me, listened to me whenever I needed her, and I still knew nothing.
I wiped my palms on my jeans, hoping to God that she’d be able to make this happen. I wanted something good to hold onto because I was certain my own Christmas would probably end in disaster.
I messaged Evie to check if she would be free, and waited, staring at the screen and silently repeating ‘please, please, please,’ over and over in my head. When she confirmed, right away, some of my tension eased.
For once, I’d get to spend one entire evening with someone who would talk to me, someone I could trust, and not worry about Natalie finding out.
Even though she controlled most aspects of my life, Natalie never stopped me going out to see bands. I’d been afraid that she’d say no this one time. She did grill me about having two overnight stays recently, but before that, I’d only been to local gigs in the last six months, and even those had been few. Not sure what it is about bands. You can go for months and see nothing, then out of nowhere, everyone’s announcing a tour and you want to go to everything.
I’d overanalysed every aspect of this trip. Was I wrong for lying to Natalie about where I was going and with who? Yes. No doubt about it. Lying to my girlfriend was becoming a habit, and I didn’t feel good about that. But hiding the fact that I was going with Evie wasn’t only because she?