His expression had changed again, from embarrassed to awkward, like he thought I might be angry with him for not thinking of it.
“If I’d wanted to go that badly, I would have told you,” I said with a small smile. “It’s fine. We’ll go and do what you need to do and then we can go back to the hotel, or out somewhere else if you prefer.”
“Is there anything you’d like to do?”
Yeah. I’d like to throw a fist at your girlfriend’s face. Unfortunately, I was not much of a fighter.
Aloud, I said, “No. All I really want to do is have a relaxing night where we eat food, have a couple of drinks and maybe try to make you smile.”
That was what was missing from him. He did smile sometimes. He even laughed occasionally, but the few times I’d been with him, he was mostly rigid-bodied and hesitant to let go. A bit like me when I was inside a music venue. We were opposites in that sense. Even though I got lucky sometimes, live music shows made me anxious, whereas Ash came alive. But in everyday life? I was bubbly and knew how to fake being happy. Ash was always tense.
“Fair warning, I probably won’t relax until I’ve sent Natalie that photo,” he said. “But I’ll try.”
“I understand. It’s too bad it’s not summer. We could go take the photo now and she wouldn’t know any different.”
That comment made his lips curve upwards a little. “Yeah. That would have been good. But she’s expecting darkness.”
That’s because she’s the fucking queen of darkness.
I was pleased for my internal filter, because, although Ash was not in a good place with Natalie, I was pretty sure he wouldn’t take too kindly to me voicing my thoughts. He had to be crazy in love with her, right? Otherwise, why stay? It was still way too soon in our friendship to go into that though. Right then, I didn’t want to delve too far. I wanted him to feel comfortable to talk in his own time.
“Well, we’ll go get the photo later. It’ll be dark by five, so we can go early,” I said. “And then, if you want to go out we can, or if you prefer, we can just go back to the hotel. And if you’re still worried about someone seeing us, I don’t mind if you come to my room instead of going to the bar.” I held my hands up. “And I mean that with no weird agenda.”
He shrugged. “Never thought you’d have one.”
His words were tinged with a hint of resignation again. Like he couldn’t fathom that anyone would be interested in him. The thought made me sad, because there was nothing wrong with him at all. The heaviness behind his eyes hid some of it, but he was a good-looking guy, and it hurt my heart that he didn’t know that he deserved a lot more than he had.
Maybe that was going to be my job. My role in his life. To show him his worth. After all, when I’d needed that, I had good friends to help me. Maybe it was my turn to do the same for someone else.
A few hours later, we’d checked into the hotel, been out to the place where our non-gig was happening to take a photo of the club, and had the girlfriend’s approval, along with a text back from her telling him to have fun, with kisses on the end. I had to hold back a rant at her response. It was no wonder Ash was confused. On the one hand, she was making him prove where he was, and on the other, she was sending him sweet texts. What a complete mindfuck.
After we got back from the club, we went to my room and ordered some food. Nothing fancy, just a large pizza and some chips to share. Ash seemed a little awkward sitting on my bed, but it was the easiest place for us both to sit while we ate that wasn’t the floor. The pizza box and bag of chips sat between us; me at the top end of the bed, and Ash at the bottom. Even though we were distracted by eating, I could still sense that he wasn’t entirely comfortable. It wasn’t just that he wasn’t speaking, more that he seemed lost in his own thoughts.
After a while, I couldn’t take it anymore.
“Ash, are you okay?”
He glanced at me over the slice of pizza that was on its way to his mouth. “Yeah. I’m okay.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Listen, I am an expert overthinker, and I can see when someone else is doing it too. So… do you want to talk about it?”
A tiny smile played on his lips. “I like to think that I’m good at hiding my overthinking, but, I guess not.” He took a bite of the pizza and swallowed it down. “I was just thinking about being here. Not that it’s a bad thing,” he added quickly, looking at me to gauge my reaction. I smiled softly, letting him know I understood. “I don’t like lying. I wish I didn’t have to.”
The words, ‘why don’t you just leave her?’ were almost out of my mouth but I bit them back. I knew what it was like to stay when everything was broken. I was getting hurt every day I stayed when I knew I should have walked away. I understood that desperate hope that things would fix themselves. That the person I fell in love with would make a return, and tell me everything would be okay again. Knowing the truth, that that was a stupid fantasy, just made it harder.
There is nothing worse than knowing you’re suddenly sharing your life with a stranger.
“Now who’s overthinking?” Ash said, raising his own eyebrow, and I laughed.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to drift off. But, I know what you mean. About us being here. It’s not like you’re cheating on her, but there’s still a lie involved. I’m not crazy about it either, but I do understand.”
“I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to put you in this position.”
“You didn’t. I made a choice to be here. And I’m glad that we came, Ash. But if I could choose it, things wouldn’t be this way. In an ideal world, your girlfriend wouldn’t be controlling and we could hang out like friends usually do.”
That was what had been missing from my life, and probably his too. Someone who was just… around. Someone to do fun things with, with no expectations. No strings.
He nodded. “Yeah. That would be better. But I’ll take your friendship for as long as you want to give it.” Ash reached into the bag of chips. “You’ve spent a lot of time listening to me talk about my problems. Maybe you could tell me more about you?”