My tongue tingled with the offer of letting him stay with me, but I couldn’t help but think about my mum’s words about not taking on too much. I wanted to support Ash, but when I looked at him, what I saw was a guy who was in pain. More emotionally than physically. It hurt me to look at him when I could almost see his inner hurt written all over his face. But could I really see him holed up in some crappy bed and breakfast, where he’d be alone with just his thoughts?
“Well, let’s see what the doctors say over the next few days,” I said. “A lot of things can change in a few days.”
When he just nodded again, I opened my handbag, in time to hear the text alert go off. Ash didn’t look up from the spot on the blue covers he was staring at, so I quickly opened up the message.
Evie, have you changed your number? If this isn’t Evie, can you at least tell me so I can leave you alone?
A groan escaped my lips and I quickly typed back: This is still my phone, Jay, but please leave me alone anyway. I don’t think there’s anything left to say.
I tossed the phone back into my bag, rummaging in there for what I was originally looking for. When my fingers found it, I pulled it out and placed it on the bed in front of Ash. “Merry Christmas.”
Ash’s eyes moved to the small wrapped box then to me. “What’s that?”
“Open it,” I told him, trying to keep my expression neutral.
With confusion on his face, he picked up the box and unwrapped it then lifted the lid. When he saw the contents, he slowly lifted it out. “Really?” he asked, holding it up in the air.
I bit the inside of my cheek when I saw his lips twitch. “One phone charger, as promised.”
Lowering the charger to his lap, Ash’s gaze met mine and he burst out laughing, clutching onto his ribs as he did so.
Jesus, that is an amazing sound.
In spite of everything, the fact that I’d gone to the effort of wrapping up my old spare phone charger had made him laugh out loud—even if it had hurt him a bit—and a little of the constant chill I’d felt since all this had happened warmed.
“Thank you,” he said after a few moments, his eyes a touch brighter than they had been when I’d arrived. “Best Christmas present I could have asked for.”
“You’re welcome,” I said, smiling. “I’m sorry it wasn’t a real gift, but-”
He shook his head, turning the charger slowly around in his hands. “It’s the thought that counts, right? And this is just what I need right now.”
“Glad to be of service.” There was a short silence, and then I said, “So… how are you really feeling today?”
Ash drew in a long breath. “I don’t know.” He looked up at me. “I think I’m supposed to feel something, but I don’t.”
While I grappled around in my mind for the right words, the right questions, I realised after a short time that maybe there were no right words. If that was how he felt, that was how he felt.
“You know…” I began, “after I lost my baby, like, immediately after, I was in so much pain. It was like my heart couldn’t handle it. I cried non-stop for a full day, and then… nothing. For a few days, I was in a haze. I didn’t feel anything. My counsellor said it was probably shock. That sometimes our minds shut down so we can avoid feeling the loss for a while, but it’s temporary. It’s always just temporary. When the pain came back, I kind of wished for the numbness again.”
Ash stared at me thoughtfully. “So, I should enjoy this while I can?”
I gave a small laugh. “Something like that.”
Dropping the charger he’d been playing with down on the bed, he shifted, sitting up a bit more. “Yesterday, and while… you know… while it was happening… while she was…” I nodded to let him know I understood. “I didn’t care anymore. I wanted her to keep going until I didn’t wake up. When I did wake up, I wished I hadn’t. I wished the police hadn’t saved me.”
“Ash-”
He shook his head, silencing me. “I’m telling you this because I know you understand that feeling. But today, it’s more like I don’t care. If I keep breathing or if I don’t, it doesn’t matter. Somehow, though, that already seems like a step in the right direction. Yesterday, I wished I was dead. Now I don’t wish that anymore, I just… I don’t mind either way. Is that stupid?”
I squinted for a second, trying to stop tears from falling from my eyes again. It wasn’t just his words that affected me, but that I could see it in his eyes. On his face. His light, although it had flickered slightly, wasn’t there. And I knew how he felt.
“That’s not stupid at all,” I told him. “Just so long as you know that, if you ever fall right back into the feeling of not wanting to live anymore, you should call me. Call anyone. Because while it doesn’t seem that way now, there are a million things to live for.”
He nodded, but I knew he didn’t believe me. It was too soon. Everything was too raw. But he would believe me. In time, he would.
The sound of my phone ringing caused me to growl. I already knew it was Jay again before I picked it up. Maybe I shouldn’t have sent that text, or should have gone with his theory and told him the phone didn’t belong to me anymore.
I stared at his name on the screen, and Ash said, “You okay?”