I nodded. Her answer made mine easier to admit. “That’s how I feel too. I mean, the sort of wanting to see her part. I know I shouldn’t because I really don’t want to be with her anymore. But…”
I shrugged, unable to finish the sentence.
“Love’s complicated, huh?” She gave me a small smile, and I laughed.
“Yeah. It’s complicated.”
Hearing a scuffling sound outside the door, I looked up as two of the police officers assigned to my case walked in. Sergeant Wright and Constable Matthews had been the main officers who had been supporting me. Sergeant Wright was probably in his forties, and Constable Matthews was more around my age, and they both smiled warmly at me.
“Are you all ready to go?” Sergeant Wright asked, and I nodded, standing up. The doctors had been in shortly before and given me everything I needed.
Evie picked up her bag from the floor as Sergeant Wright opened the door for us to leave, and I picked up the paper bag with my tablets in.
“Okay,” Evie said, giving me a small smile, “I’m gonna go home. Call me when you get settled at the B&B, okay?”
I was about to nod and say I would, when without warning, I lost my voice and movement. I opened my mouth, but no words came out, and I felt my heart rate speed up.
Great time for a panic attack. I berated myself internally, but the realisation that I was about to face Natalie suddenly hit me. I thought I’d prepared myself for it, but my feet seemed to be stuck to the spot. My chest began to ache, and I leaned forward, placing my hands on my knees, feeling like a complete twat.
I saw the police officers’ feet begin to walk towards me, but it was Evie who reached me first. She knelt down on the floor in front of me, and holding my gaze, she said, “Slow, deep breaths. You’re okay.”
Following her advice, I breathed in deeply, blowing out each breath slowly until the ache in my chest calmed and my heart beat steadied. I stood up, wobbling a little, slightly dizzy from my freak out. Evie gently rested her hand on my arm.
“Better?” she asked.
“I think so.” At least my voice worked now.
“Is there anything we can do to help?” Constable Matthews asked.
I shook my head. “Nothing more than you’re already doing. I just need to get this over with.”
As I looked at Evie again, she said, “Do you want me to come with you?”
She’d asked me before, but I’d said I would be okay with just the police, and she’d looked a little relieved, I guess because she wasn’t keen to meet Natalie. Even though I thought in a way it would be good to have Evie there too, I wasn’t willing to put her out any more than I already had. She’d already done so much for me.
“What if I come with you, but wait outside?” she offered. “I’ll stay outside the building, but I’ll be there when you come out.”
“I don’t know,” I said with a sigh. “I don’t think anything will make this easier.”
“You know,” Sergeant Wright said, “if you’d like Miss West to be there too, that’s okay, but we would definitely advise that she stays outside, based on Miss King’s… volatile nature.”
“That’s an interesting way to say ‘nutjob’,” Evie said, then quickly bit her lip as if she hadn’t meant to say it out loud, and Constable Matthews snorted out a laugh before quickly straightening her expression when her sergeant glared at her.
I turned my attention to Evie again. “Are you sure you want to come?”
She nodded. “I’m sure.”
After giving Evie the address, we all left the hospital. I wished I’d got a jacket because it was freezing outside, and I felt it even more since I’d been in a warm room for the last few days, but I was soon inside the police car and we headed towards the flat.
It wasn’t a long way, only about a ten minute drive, but with each passing minute, I could feel my chest start to hurt again.
I was going back. To the place where Natalie had almost killed me. A place that used to be my home. Not that it had ever really felt like mine. More like hers, and I was allowed to stay over. It wasn’t going to take me long to pack what was mine. She’d chosen everything from the way the rooms were decorated to the colour of the plates and cutlery. Anything I’d had that was personal to me had mostly gone, thrown out over time because I ‘didn’t need it’, except for a few photo albums tucked away in the back of the cupboard in our room.
The bruises on my body, the pain in my ribs, all seemed to erupt at the knowledge I was going to see Natalie soon. I’d been assured that she would be kept out of whatever room I needed to be in, but she would still be there. It would still be a reminder of the worst Christmas ever.
You fucking pussy. Scared of a woman. Scared of a flat. Having a panic attack like some loser because you have to face up to your issues. Issues you caused.
I put my hand up to my chest and tried to breathe the way Evie said to in the hospital, trying to force my thoughts away. It never really worked, and when it did, it wasn’t for long. Words that had been thrown at me over and over wouldn’t go away so easily.