He shrugged, and I noticed the difference in his expression. When he’d gone to his room over an hour ago, his mood had been a lot lighter, but now, his eyes looked heavy again.
He’d been left alone too long with his thoughts.
“Come in,” I said again, and I shuffled across to the side of the bed as he walked in. I’d changed into my retro My Little Pony pyjamas, not expecting to see him again that night, and he eyed them but didn’t say anything, way too lost in his own mind. He was wearing a pair of plain dark blue pyjama bottoms and the t-shirt he’d been wearing earlier, which was now crumpled, and I guessed he’d throw it back on before he left his room. “Sit down.”
He perched on the edge of the bed, head down. “Sorry,” he said quietly. “I didn’t want to disturb you, but I… I don’t know.”
My heart hurt as I saw how down he was, and how fast it had happened.
“Stay there,” I said gently. “I’m gonna go make us some tea, and then we can talk.” I stood up and walked around the bed to the door, and as I reached it, I said, “Please, relax. Make yourself comfortable and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
I heard him move a little as I left the room, but I was pretty sure he wouldn’t fully relax on my bed. I was proved right when I returned carrying two cups of tea to find him sitting a bit farther back, but his feet still firmly on the floor.
In order not to spend the whole time talking to his back if I sat where I’d been when he came in, I placed his cup on the bedside table then sat on the edge of the bed beside him. He turned towards me.
“Thanks,” he said, running a hand through his hair and letting out a long breath. “I’m sorry. You know when your brain just takes over?”
I nodded. “I do. And what was your brain telling you?”
“Same as usual. That the fact I’m homeless is my fault. That I should have been a better boyfriend. That nobody will ever want me and I should just go back to Natalie because at least she could put up with me.”
That ache spasmed in my chest with his words. I knew that these thoughts were deeply engrained into him now, but at the same time, I could also see that after her additional assault on his personal belongings, he didn’t truly want to go back there. But I hated knowing the thought of being with her to avoid being alone somehow, however briefly, had crossed his mind.
“Ash,” I said gently. “I wish this process of getting over everything she put you through could be faster. But the truth is, stopping those thoughts is going to take some time. A lot of time.”
He nodded. “I know. And I do feel better than I did when I was first in hospital.” He looked up at me. “Evie, if she hadn’t killed me that night, I would have done it myself. When she came in and she was so drunk and acting like everything was normal, I’d had enough. Of her, and us, and myself. I told her it was over between us, but maybe I meant it was over for me. Like… everything. Not just the relationship, but my life.” He paused for a second. “And here’s the irony. Natalie almost killed me. But I was found. If she hadn’t done what she did… I wouldn’t be here.”
I let his words sink in.
That really was ironic. Knowing how close he was to ending his own life made me hurt, like bone deep hurt for him and how she’d belittled him for so long that he’d reached that point. There was no excuse for what she did to him on Christmas Eve, but without it happening… he’d be gone.
“That’s where it messes with my head,” he said. Then he let out a humourless chuckle. “I’m a fucking mess. She hit me, kicked me, literally walked all over me, told me I was worthless and yet, I still feel like I owe her something. There is still something in me that wants to go over there right now and apologise and beg her to take me back.
What the fuck is wrong with me, Evie?”
A tear dripped down his cheek and I wanted to wrap my arms around him and hold him tight. Although he was less jumpy when I touched him now, I still didn’t want to push it.
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” I told him, placing my hand lightly over his. “You just… you need to work through it all.”
What I wanted to do was tell him not to let those voices in his head overwhelm him so much that he really did go back, but it wasn’t my place to tell him what to do. All I could do was be there for him while he figured it out.
His hand turned over, his fingers entwining with mine, and I held it a little tighter, hoping to let him know he wasn’t alone. He started to turn towards me a bit more, and opened his mouth as if to speak, but as he moved, his elbow hit the cup of tea I’d placed on the bedside table and spilled all over the floor, some of it landing on his pyjama trousers and a little hitting my bare feet.
We both jumped up; me in surprise and him in complete panic as he backed away from me towards the bedroom door, his face pale and eyes wide. He was so focused on me, on my reaction, that he didn’t even pull the hot, wet material from his skin.
“Evie.” His voice was breathy. “I’m so sorry. I… I’ll clean it up. I…” Words seemed to fail him as he started to leave the room—a pointless task since he had no idea where I kept any of my cleaning supplies.
“Ash, wait,” I said, my feet taking a couple of hurried steps towards him, causing him to back up more onto the landing, his hands up.
I stopped in my tracks. He was shaking. Totally trembling, like he wasn’t seeing me anymore, but her. My own heart hammered, my hands quivering because everything had happened so suddenly.
Instead of moving or speaking any more, I kept my eyes on him, trying to convey that it was okay. That it was only me, and within a minute or so, his body relaxed, sagging before dropping to the floor on his knees.
I gave him another thirty seconds or so before approaching him, and when I did, I sat down on the floor in front of him, legs crossed, waiting until he was ready to raise his head.
“Sorry,” he said, still not looking at me. “Sorry I ruined your carpet.”
“I don’t give a fuck about my carpet,” I said, keeping my tone even. The use of the f-word caused him to finally look up since I didn’t use it very often. “I do, however, care about you. So, while I know it’s going to take a while for you to believe it, and to trust me, I want you to know that I’m never going to do anything to hurt you. Ever. If you spill something, or you break something while you’re here… it happens. But even if it was my most treasured possession, Ash, I would never, ever lash out.”