Unintended

“Thanks,” I said, hugging her back. “I need to pee, and then I need some cake.”

Since I couldn’t have a drink for the shock, sugar was the next best thing.

She laughed. “You can have whatever you want.”

Ash had been completely quiet since he heard I was having twins, and I looked up at him. “Are you okay?”

He nodded, giving me a smile. “Just taking everything in.”

He did look somewhat shell-shocked. He definitely wasn’t the only one.

Keely drove us back from the hospital, chatting excitedly, but Evie and I were both pretty quiet. I knew the news hadn’t quite sunk in yet, and it hadn’t for me either. I couldn’t tell if she was happy or even more scared now. I guessed I would talk to her later, as Keely dropped me back at my flat while she and Evie went into town.

I was pretty relieved to get home. To be alone so I coul

d think.

When Debbie had said Evie was having twins, something happened inside me. My gut instinct was happiness. Happiness that Evie would get to be a mum to two children. But seconds later, that turned into the realisation that there was no way she would want to do that alone. She had been brought up by a single mum, and knew how much of a struggle it could be. I wasn’t sure if her own experiences had been anything like mine, but I remembered not being able to have all the newest toys, or clothes, or games because my mum couldn’t afford it. She worked her fingers to the bone for everything we had, and I was grateful for everything I got because I knew what it had cost her, not in just money, but in time working, not being at home or doing anything for herself.

Maybe that was why she wanted her own life now. Why she’d moved to Spain where she had no responsibilities apart from getting a tan.

I didn’t think for a second that Evie couldn’t handle it. Being a single mum. She could. What I did think was that she would doubt herself, and that was scary. What if she felt like she had to be with Jay again? What if they got back together, re-married, had more children?

The idea made me want to throw up.

But maybe that was the right thing. Jay was the father, after all. They knew each other. They loved each other once. Perhaps that was how things were supposed to be. This could be their second chance.

I threw myself down on the sofa with a sigh.

I had to stop those thoughts. Even if she didn’t get back with Jay, there wasn’t a chance in hell that she’d want to be with me. Too young, too broken, too useless. I’d fucked up when she first told me she was pregnant by saying the wrong thing. What if I just kept on doing that?

She deserved more than me.

You’re useless. Worthless. I deserve better than you.

I closed my eyes, trying to get Natalie’s voice out of my head. No matter how many counselling sessions I went to, she still always managed to find a way in. It happened less, mostly only when I was already feeling bad. But in those times, she was loud and the memories were strong.

I remembered all the things I’d done that made her tell me I was no good.

And if I wasn’t good enough for her, then I definitely wasn’t good enough for Evie.

When Keely and I were settled in our favourite cake shop—Keely wanted to take advantage of the fact that her mum was babysitting by staying out a little longer than planned—with the biggest slices of Victoria sponge available, and cups of tea, I was just about ready to speak.

“So, that was… interesting.”

Keely nodded, staring at me. “Yeah. You could say that.”

I looked down at my cake, picking up my fork and carefully cutting off a piece before looking up at Keely again. “I still don’t know what to say.”

She nodded slowly. “Yeah. It was a shock, that’s for sure. But, you haven’t really said how you feel.”

“I’m still working on that.” I pushed the piece of cake around my plate. “Honestly, I haven’t known how I feel since the second I found out I was pregnant. It’s a whole jumble of things. And most of them are scary.”

Keely reached over for my hand, I think more to stop me messing around with my food than anything. “Of course it’s scary. But it’s also incredible. Evie, you get to have a family now.”

“Maybe. Or maybe I will lose it all like before.”

“You can’t think like that. I get that it’s hard, but you have to try and be positive here. You have to take care of yourself, and that means getting those bad thoughts out of your head. You can’t be stressed out for the next six months. That really won’t do you any good.”