“I know.” I sighed, trying to muster up some level of emotion, but I couldn’t find any. Before, I’d told Ash I didn’t want to get too attached to my baby, just in case the worst happened, but maybe I’d done too good a job of that, because now I just felt numb to it all. As much as I didn’t want to suffer, I equally didn’t want to be wandering around completely vacant through my pregnancy. “There’s so much to think about now. I have to think about the extra cost, and how Jay is going to react. And Mum. God knows what she’s going to say.”
Keely laughed. “She’ll say, ‘Evie, I warned you about hanging around that young man, didn’t I?’”
Her accurate impression of my mother’s voice broke through my bubble, and I burst out laughing too. “I’m going to have to be careful how I explain it to her, aren’t I? She’s going to assume they’re Ash’s babies otherwise.”
Keely picked up her teaspoon to stir her tea. “I think, if he had his way, they would be his babies.”
Her words made me pause. “What do you mean?”
“Evie, you can’t be that blind.” She took a sip of her tea then carefully placed it down before speaking again. “That boy adores you. You can’t see it?”
Shaking my head, I said, “No. We’re close, but he doesn’t see me that way.”
“Did he tell you that?”
“No, of course not. I just figured, with me being older and-”
“Will you stop with that?” She let out an exasperated sigh. “Nobody cares about that. The gap isn’t that big. Not big enough to bother him or anyone else. Evie, he was worried sick about you today. Didn’t you notice how quiet he was most of the time?”
I did notice. But I’d thought he was just trying to keep me calm, and after the scan, I guessed he was surprised by the outcome.
“And the way he held you and calmed you down when you flipped out?”
I remembered the feeling of safety I got when he’d held me tight against him, talking to me softly. I loved that he was tall and stocky and made me feel protected. I always felt safe with him.
I shrugged. “He’s a good friend.”
“Evie, he likes you. More than likes you. And if I were to guess, I’d say you feel the same.”
The warmth spreading across my cheeks gave her an answer. I’d always been useless at hiding things from her. Though, it wasn’t so much that I was hiding it, I was just trying to figure it out.
She arched her eyebrows knowingly.
“Keely, that’s not…” I began. “Ash is lovely, and thoughtful, and sweet, but he isn’t interested in me. Did you see his last girlfriend?”
“Yeah, I saw her picture in the paper when she got sent to jail,” she said dryly. “What’s your point?”
“That’s his type. She’s all make-up and hair, and I’m…” I looked down at the old pair of jeans I’d put on, and the simple khaki top I was wearing. I could feel bits of my hair hanging around my face, and I’d only bothered to put on a bit of foundation before I left the house because I knew I’d cry off anything I put on. “I’m a mess.”
“You look great, and you always do,” Keely said. “And even if you didn’t, Ash doesn’t strike me as being that shallow.”
I snorted out a laugh. “That’s not the point. Even if there was something between us, now is not the time. He’s still trying to get his life back on track, and he doesn’t need some old pregnant lady holding him back. He deserves to be with someone fun. Someone he can have a good time with, and right now, and for a really long time, I can’t be that person.”
Saying the words made me realise how true they were. I was good at lying to myself about my feelings, but Ash was making that more and more difficult all the time. What I’d said to Keely was true, though. He’d had enough drama in his life. If I wasn’t pregnant, if he was ready to even think about being in a relationship, maybe things would have been different. But they weren’t. I was having babies, and he was trying to get back on his feet. If he wanted to be with someone, it had to be someone in the same place as him. Someone he could go and see bands with, and take on fun dates, with no ties keeping her at home.
I couldn’t be that person. Not anymore.
It was a week and a half before I finally plucked up the courage to call Jay. He’d, obviously, been surprised to hear from me, and even more surprised when I asked if I could go up and see him. I was relieved he didn’t ask why, because there was no way I could tell him on the phone. In some ways, that would have been easier, but it felt cowardly to me. Like taking the easy way out. This news was life-changing, and it needed more than a call.
I’d made sure all of my work was up to date by the Friday of the following week, when he finally had some time, so my weekend was free. I planned to drive up to Scotland on Saturday morning, stay the night in a hotel, and drive back on Sunday morning. I didn’t want to do it all in one day, and I doubted talking to Jay would be a quick thing. It made more sense to stay over.
Once I was done with my morning vomiting routine—something that still wasn’t quite over with yet, although it was easing—I threw my bag in my car and was about to get in when I saw Ash walking down the street towards me.
It was ten in the morning, and he’d been at work the night before. He looked exhausted. His beard was a bit wilder than usual, and his eyes were slightly red. Even so, he still looked pretty good to me and my tense muscles relaxed at the sight of him
“Hey,” I said. “What are you doing here?”
He gave me an awkward smile and shrug. “I wanted to wish you luck for today.”