Unintended

some gameshow, something playing in the background if I needed a distraction from thinking.

I’d been on edge since Evie had text to tell me she’d arrived safely in Edinburgh, knowing she was probably with Jay right now, telling him she was pregnant. I hadn’t been able to think of much else the last few days, wondering about what would happen when he knew.

Evie would have put it off forever if she could have. The last time she saw him, she’d had to face up to a lot of things from her past that she didn’t want to deal with. Now that was done, though, what would happen next? It had constantly circled in my head.

Evie was terrified about being pregnant. So much that she’d barely even thought about what would happen when she had the babies. A big part of her wouldn’t stop thinking that something bad would happen during the pregnancy, like if she stayed worried the whole time, maybe things would be okay. It wasn’t healthy, but I was familiar with having to tell lies to myself to get through each day. I couldn’t tell her she was wrong when I’d done it myself.

And knowing she was so stressed made me think that, when she saw Jay again, if they talked for long enough, she might agree to try again with him. After all, last time they saw each other, they had sex, so it wasn’t impossible that they’d get back together. Maybe they would be the family they always wanted to be.

Could I be happy for her if that was her decision?

My gut clenched at the idea of it. Of seeing her in a relationship with someone else.

And it was at precisely that point I realised how much trouble I was in.

Evie West had changed my life. Over and over, she’d shown me there were things to be grateful for. Things to live for. The day after I’d gone into hospital after Natalie attacked me, a day when everything felt so fucking dark, Evie had wrapped up a phone charger in Christmas paper for me, and I’d laughed. She’d done that to make me smile, even though she knew I didn’t want to. Knew that laughter was the last thing from my mind. She’d let me live in her house rent free until I felt okay enough to live on my own again. She’d helped me to get a job doing something I’d always wanted to do.

And beautiful? Even though I shouldn’t have been looking at her in that way then, sometimes my breath would catch in my throat when I remembered seeing her rushing towards me, umbrella up, panic all over her pretty face as she ran onto the bridge. And when I saw her again later in the hotel, all comfy, reading a book in her enormous jumper.

She was so fucking special.

You used to think Natalie was special.

I used to be an idiot.

The truth was, although the things Natalie had done to me were still embedded pretty deep in my mind, and they often found their way into my everyday life, I hadn’t really thought about her in a while. Not the way I used to.

But the feeling I wasn’t good enough; that was the one thing I was having the hardest time with.

The fact that I’d managed to gain back any level of self-esteem was because of Evie, Keely, and Nick, and the people at the music blog who paid me to do what I loved.

I didn’t think I was good enough for Evie, though. Not for everything she needed and deserved. So, if Jay was what she wanted, I’d support that. I’d still be her friend, and I’d stay in her life.

Even if it might kill me on the inside.

My phone rang, shattering the silence, and I jumped at the sound. I took a deep breath before pulling it from my pocket and seeing Evie’s name on the screen.

I guessed I’d find out the answers to some of my questions now.

“Hey, Evie,” I said, trying not to sound as nervous as I really was.

“Hey, Ash.” Her voice was quiet. She sounded exhausted, and I sat up, leaning back against my pillows. I might as well be comfortable if I was about to get my heart shredded again.

“How did it go?” I asked.

There was a long pause, during which I held my breath, waiting for whatever she was going to say. “It was… emotional.”

“How did he take it?”

“He asked me if I wanted for us to try again,” she blurted out. “You know, me and him. Getting back together.”

Shit. I hadn’t expected that to come up so fast. If at all. I hadn’t been certain Jay would even ask that. How the hell would I know what he wanted? I didn’t know him. What I did know, though, was that Evie was awesome and he was an idiot for finding someone else.

At least he was the one who suggested them getting back together though. It probably would have felt a lot worse if she had been the one to mention it first.

From the way my heart was crashing against my ribcage, I doubted it would have made a difference. The fact was, they’d discussed it, and I was about to find out how that conversation went down.

“Okay.” My voice sounded croaky and I coughed. “What do you think about that?”