Yep, while occasionally I get to feed myself, most meals still come from his hand.
And yeah, I kind of love it now.
“Horsey!” is Dean’s response.
Xavier scoops Dean out of my arms and hefts him up to Samson’s long nose. Dean immediately starts to blow in Samson’s nose. Samson blows back and Dean lets out a peal of giggles. He does it again and gets the same response. It’s become a game between them.
I roll my eyes. Dean’s only twenty-two months old and is already horse crazy. I rue the day he actually starts riding. Naturally, Xavier is already talking about getting him a small pony.
Which shows how far he’s come because there’s so much you can’t control when it comes to animals. He about had a fit when I wanted to get back on a horse four months after giving birth.
While there have been some bumpy moments, overall, things have been wonderful. The time at the clinic finally helped Xavier face his demons. His nightmares are only very occasional now and he’s able to talk about them in a way he wouldn’t before. The clinic helped him begin to believe that what happened at the air base wasn’t his fault and to work through his survivor’s guilt and his PTSD.
His relationship with his parents? Well, that’s still a work in progress. Pritchard still lives in DC for most of the year, but he and Xavier’s mom fly out every couple months to spend time with their grandson. Pritchard and Xavier have even managed to have a few civil conversations when I wasn’t present to referee.
My dad? We talk almost every day over Skype. We have a vacation to the Maldives planned for later this year, the first time I’ll see him since it all began and the first time he’ll get to meet his grandson face to face. Does it suck he has to live in exile all his life? Yes. But at the same time, what he did wasn’t a victimless crime. While a lot of the people defrauded by him were rich Wall Street assholes, there were plenty of regular folks who lost their pensions, too, in his scam.
At least I’m protected by Xavier’s father’s name. And the fact that no one else knows where Dad is and he stays disappeared. In the meantime, he enjoys fishing every day and has taken up pottery and painting.
I’m sad he’ll never get to know his amazing grandson beyond talking to him on a screen a few minutes a day. But my focus is on my new family.
Family. Something I never thought would be an important part of my life at all. And now it’s everything.
Progress all around.
“Okay, time to say bye to horsey,” Xavier says.
Dean starts to whine but Xavier just gives him a look. The serious dad look.
Ugh, that never works for me. Probably because whenever I look at my son who is an absolutely adorable tiny, little version of his father, I’m always far too tempted to give in to him. And he knows it and now tries to manipulate me and game the system. Smart little punk.
Ha, who am I kidding? He’s not little. He’s in the 99th growth percentile for his age. He was a ten-pound baby to start with. About tore me in two. Xavier actually had a reason for being concerned about me riding. Well, not being that concerned, but it did take me longer than average to heal.
I told him he had another thing coming if he thought I was birthing an army of his kids. Maybe one more. Well, that’s what I say until I see Xavier with Dean and I’m like, damn, I want a passel of these.
We’ll see.
As we head up toward the house, Dean drops his head on Xavier’s shoulder, his pudgy little cheek flattening in a way that’s so goddamned adorable I think my heart might split down the center. His eyelids flutter and then close.
“I think it might be time for someone’s nap,” I whisper as Xavier opens the back door to the kitchen. Which is good because we’re supposed to go to Tom and Janine’s later and it’ll go much better if Dean is well rested. They’ve become close friends over the past couple of years. Even if Janine can be a bit hard to take sometimes.
She’s more than a bit bitter about living out here in Wyoming. Tom was being generous when he explained the situation that day when he came for Hellfire. I try to be a friend to her, but frankly, both Xavier and I feel bad for Tom. Xavier’s solution is for Tom to invest in a good riding crop. I rolled my eyes at that suggestion. I hope that they’re able to either work it out or, as hard as it might be, decide to go their separate ways. I don’t see the point in them continuing to make each other miserable like they are now.
“Naptime. My thoughts exactly,” Xavier says, bringing me back to the moment. He steps inside with Dean. “Let me just run him up to his room.”
He does just that, walking smoothly so he doesn’t wake the kiddo up. Not much chance of that. One good thing about living on a farm, Dean spends his days running around outside so he always naps and sleeps hard at night.
I set up a late-afternoon lunch while Xavier’s upstairs. Just some sandwiches and chocolate pudding I whipped up earlier. I cut the sandwich into squares.
Then I take off all my clothes and position myself on the plush cushion at the foot of the head chair.
It’s rare to have the resort all to ourselves like this. After Carlos left, we’ve continued hosting volunteers to help out so we can take on even more horses in need. But Caroline, our current intern, is visiting family for a couple weeks, and I intend to take full advantage of the time alone.
“He went down easy, no problem at—” Xavier’s words freeze in his throat when he sees me. “Well, what do we have here?”
“Your pet is awaiting her meal, Master.”
A low growl is all I get in response. His feet scrape across the kitchen tile as he prowls toward me.