Ledger dips his head until our eyes meet again. He’s looking at me pointedly when he says, “There is nothing in this world that would make me happier than you getting to meet Diem. If I knew how to change their minds, I would do it in a heartbeat, Kenna.”
My breath shakes upon release. His confession is everything I needed to hear. I close my eyes because I don’t want to cry and I don’t want to watch him leave, but until this moment, I wasn’t sure if he even wanted me in Diem’s life.
I feel the heat of his arm next to my head, and I keep my eyes closed, but I’m sucking in small gasps of air. I can hear his breaths, and then I can feel them on my cheek, and then my neck, as if he’s moving in on me.
I feel surrounded by him in this moment, and I’m scared if I open my eyes, I’ll realize it’s all in my head and that he actually walked out of my open apartment door. But then he exhales, and the warmth rolls down my neck and shoulder. I barely crack open my eyes to find him towering over me, his hands on either side of the wall beside my head.
He’s just hovering, like he can’t decide whether he should leave or reenact our kiss from the night we met. Or maybe he’s just waiting on me to make some kind of move, or decision, or mistake.
I don’t know what compels me to lift my hand and place it on his chest, but when I do, he sighs as if that’s exactly what he wanted me to do. But I don’t know if I’m touching his chest because I want to push him away, or because I want to pull him closer.
Either way, there’s a warmth between us that builds with his sigh, and he rests his forehead lightly against mine.
There have been so many choices and consequences and feelings packed into the space we’ve kept between us since we met, but Ledger pushes through all of it and presses his lips to mine.
Heat pulses through me like a heartbeat, and I sigh into his mouth. His tongue skims my top lip, fogging my thoughts. He cradles my head and deepens our kiss, and it’s intoxicating. His mouth is warmer than I remember it being the first time we kissed. His hands feel more gentle; his tongue feels less daring.
There’s a carefulness in his kiss—one I’m too afraid to dissect because I already feel so much it’s dizzying. The warmth of him envelops me, and just when I start to cling to him, he pulls away.
I suck in air while he studies my face. It’s as if he’s trying to get a read on my expression, scanning me for signs of regret or desire.
I’m sure he can see both. I want his kiss, but the thought of having to say goodbye to more than just the idea of Diem is enough to stop me from allowing this to happen. Because the closer I grow to Ledger, both emotionally and physically, the more I’d be putting his relationship with Diem at risk.
As much as his kiss makes me feel, it’s nothing compared to the heartache that would follow if the Landrys found out he’s seeing me behind their backs. I can’t have that hanging over my head.
He starts to lean in again, making my entire body feel unstable, but I somehow find the strength to shake my head. “Please don’t,” I whisper. “It hurts enough already.”
Ledger pauses right before his mouth connects with mine. He draws back and lifts his hand, gently gliding his fingertips over my jaw. “I know. I’m sorry.”
We both fall quiet. Unmoving. I wish I was processing how to make this work between us, but I’m processing how to not let it hurt, because it can’t work.
He eventually pushes off the wall, stepping away from me. “I feel so fucking . . .” He runs a hand through his hair as he searches for the right word. “Helpless. Useless.” He walks out the door after settling on both words. “I’m sorry,” I hear him mutter as he walks away.
I close my door, lock it, and then release every breath I’ve held in tonight. My heart is pounding. The apartment seems really warm now.
I turn down the thermostat and let Ivy out of the bathroom. We curl up on the couch together, and I grab my notebook.
Dear Scotty,
Do I owe you an apology for what just happened?
I’m not quite sure what just happened. Ledger and I definitely had a moment, but was it a good one? A bad one? It felt more sad than anything.
What if it happens again? I’m not sure I’m going to be strong enough to ask him not to touch me in all the ways we’d probably be touching each other right now if I didn’t blurt out the words “Please don’t.”