But it seems like Iris might have had enough intimacy when he breaks the kiss and finally takes my shirt off.
“How do you want me?” I ask.
“Oh, there are so many possible answers to that question, but on your back for now.”
I climb on the bed while Iris makes his move to the sex drawer. Anticipation thrums through me and apprehension because I’ve seen what’s in that drawer. Everything from plugs, to dildos, to prostate ticklers, handcuffs, his ball gag … I think it’s safe to say there isn’t anything Iris hasn’t tried.
Surprising me, though, he lifts a moderately small vibrator that has a long silicone string and a remote.
“Figured we’d start small and work our way up,” he says.
“Work our way up to what?”
Iris scoffs. “I won’t scare you yet, but I do recall you saying something about turning you out until you don’t want to sit down?”
“I do want that, but …”
“But what?”
“You’ve disinfected all those toys, right?”
“Hey, sex safety is more important than gun safety.”
I lean up on my elbows. “Considering you put locks on your food and not your guns, that doesn’t make me feel any better.”
Iris’s lips twitch. “I am super anal about having clean sex toys. Pun intended.”
“I trust you.”
He eyes me out of the corner of his eye. “Completely?”
“Well, not when you ask like that.”
The lube gets tossed on the bed, and then Iris sits on the edge next to me, still holding the bright pink vibrator.
Iris leans over me. “You said you want to get out of your head. You want me to rock your world?”
“You do that every day already.”
The shocked look on his face should make me want to take it back, but I can’t. The words are true even if it’s too soon for him to hear them. So instead, I don’t make a big deal out of it.
“But what were you thinking?” I ask.
“I’ve been in your position before—not with the PTSD but wanting sex so good and rough so I can escape for a while. That sting, that bit of pain mixed with pleasure … it can be really cathartic.”
“Okay, now I’m worried you’re about to give me some big BDSM intro.”
“Hardly. I was thinking I could fuck you …” His pause shouldn’t be as scary as it is. “While this is inside you.” He holds up the vibrator.
“That sounds like more than a little bit of pain.” Yet, I’m intrigued. And so is my dick. It twitches, bouncing off my abdomen.
Iris’s fingers close over my hard shaft. “I’ll make sure you’re stretched properly, but if at any time you’re not comfortable or want to stop, tell me.”
My hips lift off the mattress. “You’re not going to come up with some ridiculous safe word, are you?”
Iris leans in and says in my ear, “Just say space cowboy.”
I laugh, but then his fist tightens on my cock, and my laughter dies. “I’m not saying that.”
“All you have to do is tell me to stop, and I will.”
“I want to try it.” I’m hesitant, but if he says he can get me out of my head, I believe him.
“We’ll go slow first.” Iris shifts, turning and lowering his mouth toward my dick. His warm breath travels along my skin, heightening the sensitive skin around the tip of my cock.
His hand cups my balls, and his fingers move between my legs, brushing over my hole.
“Let me take care of you,” he murmurs.
All I can do is moan in affirmation when he encloses his mouth over me and sucks me deep.
I relax into it, enjoying the sensations his mouth and hand give me.
He continues to suck me while blindly covering his fingers in lube, and when they come back, pressing against my hole again, they slip inside easily.
I’ve bottomed enough over my life to let the intrusion happen, but that doesn’t mean I’m not nervous about fitting Iris and the vibrator inside me at the same time.
I thought this was going to be hard and fast—the kind of fuck that’s wild and unhinged, and when the morning comes, I’d be sore, sated, but still thinking about my issues.
The way Iris is taking his time with me, I know this is going to be long and slow. It’s going to be one of those times that will be burned into my memory forever, and that’s what I need.
Because the hardest thing about having gaps in my memory is not that I can’t remember the trauma—it’s that I can’t remember at all.
I want Iris to fill me with new memories, ones I can’t easily forget.
“How are you doing up there?” he asks as he releases my cock with a wet slurp.
“Less talking, more sucking.”
“Patience,” Iris soothes. “If we do this too fast, that’s when it will be uncomfortably painful.”
“It figures the most impatient man I know has all the time in the world when it comes to sex.”