The conversation was light and playful. No one mentioned anything too heavy, and there were only a few moments when I noticed a bit of sadness leave her. No doubt she was comparing this scene to the one at her home. That look made me realize that it’s going to take a while before she gets to where I want her to be, or like the voice in my head whispered, that’s just the excuse I’m using to convince myself that it’s okay to put my own shit aside for now and take this time with her for myself.
It’s selfish and not at all what she deserves, but the longer I sat there watching her covertly from beneath my lashes as she tried not to bring too much attention to herself while sucking up the love and camaraderie between my parents and their kids, the more I wanted if just for a little while to show her just a little bit of my heart.
But I don’t really have one, do I? And what can I possibly offer her that’s not going to mess her up in the long run? I can’t give her forever, that much I know. And she’s not the type to settle for less; what’s more, I don’t want her to. I want her to find happiness ever after. But thinking about that doesn’t bring me any peace. In fact, I almost snapped my fork in half just thinking about the shit.
“You okay?” Geez, was her voice always so…so?
“I’m fine; eat your fish; it’s good for you.” She poked at the salmon on her plate and took the tiniest bite possible.
“You don’t like fish?”
“I’ve never really had it. Becky’s allergic to seafood, so there’s never any in the house.”
“Well, we have it often. Someone told Pop that it’s good for Ma and the girls, and we have to have it at least once a week or more. Try it; if it’s good for them, then it’s good for you. Eat up!”
I knew there was more going on with her, but the rest is going to take a minute. It’s actually good that Pop’s snitch was here tonight. The more she sees how relaxed he is with us, maybe it’ll help her to stop feeling like an unwanted guest. She’s so easy to read I have no doubt that’s what she’s thinking.
I didn’t miss the way the others carried on their conversations at the table, leaving us two to our own devices. It shows how sensible my family is; I’m sure they’ve picked up the same vibe from her that I have. After dinner, it was time to walk the mutt for the last time for the night, so I made our excuses and took her upstairs to get him.
“Who takes care of him while we’re at school? I forgot to ask.” She snapped his leash on once we reached downstairs, and I grabbed a jacket from the closet by the front door, an old one of mine, and pulled it around her shoulders. “Thanks, I forgot how cold the nights can get this time of year.”
She was wearing leggings and a long-sleeved tee. Another one of the outfits I’d bought her this one to wear at home. “Didn’t the twins tell you? He goes to daycare with the other two.”
“What? Are you serious?” Her mouth hung open in that way it does when she’s surprised, and I closed it with my fingertip.
Big mistake! As soon as my finger touched her lip, I remembered our kiss. I got stuck standing there on the top step, looking down at her in the moonlight with the brisk New England air bringing the scent of fall to wrap around us. For a few seconds, we were alone in our own little bubble, and I felt myself falling.
My lips were a millimeter away from hers when the mutt tugged on the leash, almost pulling her off the stairs. “Watch it, you, before I turn you into a muff.” I got a slap from her tiny hand against my chest, which barely registered.
“Don’t say stuff like that to him, Gabriel. Now tell me more about this daycare. What does he do there? Are there big dogs there as well?”
I helped her down the steps and tried to take the leash before the unruly dog tripped her up or something, but she wouldn’t give it up. “I guess there’re bigger dogs there, but the sitters take good care of him; nothing will happen.”
“But what if they pick on Thor? He’s so little.”
“Did the other two look like they’ve been hurt?”
“No, but Thor is new. What if the other dogs bully him?”
“I doubt it.”
“How come?”
“Because Draco Russo pays for him to go there.” Let her make of that what she will.
She didn’t say much as we walked down to the pond where the swans and ducks were bedding down for the night. It struck me then that while she was here enjoying the serenity of my backyard, her family was imploding because of my instigation. No doubt her soft heart would feel for them. That’s why I’m not telling her anything until it’s all over with.