His eyes widened. “Of me?”
I shook my head. Then shrugged. I didn’t know which was true.
“Benji, what on earth would make you scared of me?”
“I don’t know,” I said, my voice cracking. Still, I couldn’t look away. “Did you break the law?”
“No, sir.”
“Did you hurt someone?”
“No, sir.”
“Did you hurt yourself?”
“No, sir.”
“Then why are you shaking?”
He blurred as my eyes burned. “Because I’m afraid you won’t look me in the eye anymore. That you won’t respect me.”
Big Eddie leaned over, so that our faces were only inches from each other. He studied me and I let him. “I will always look you in the eye,” he finally said. “I’ve raised you to be honest and kind. I’ve raised you to be brave and strong. If you can become the man I think you’ll be, then you and me will always be eye to eye. You get me?”
I nodded, because I did. “Deep breath,” he said, his hand still on my shoulder. I took in air. “Let it out,” he said. I did. “Now, tell me.”
“I think I might… be… you know. Gay. Or whatever.”
He cocked his head at me and squinted his eyes, which would have been funny under normal circumstances. But this was not normal. I couldn’t breathe. He tightened his grip on me. His nostrils flared. He dropped his hand and stood up straight, still looking me in the eye. I followed him as he went up. “You think?” he said, crossing his arms across his chest.
I shook my head. I knew what he was after. “I know,” I told him.
He nodded. And then, unbelievably, he laughed. “Jesus Christ, boy! Where the hell do you get off scaring me like that!”
My heart sunk. He doesn’t believe me, I thought. That hurt worse than any kind of fury from him could have.
“I thought you were going to tell me something really bad!” He laughed harder, slapping his hand against his thigh. He caught my eye again and something passed then between us, and he must have felt my fear, my pain. His laughter bled to chuckles and he wiped his eyes and leaned down before me again, putting his hand back on my shoulder.
“You sure?” he asked, a small smile on his face.
I nodded, tears on my cheeks.
“Benji, do you know me?”
“Sir?”
“Do you know who I am?”
“You’re Big Eddie,” I said.
“And?”
“You’re my dad,” I say in the cab of the blue Ford as I approach Big House.
I’m lost in years and it’s like my father is next to me.
Big Eddie nodded. “You’re damn right I am. So you should know by now
that I don’t give a rat’s ass if you’re gay or straight or one of those tranny guys that likes to dress up in a slutty skirt and pretend you have a vagina.”