Into This River I Drown

“We make mistakes,” Nina says kindly. “It’s a part of who we are.”

Cal starts to tense again. “I am not one of you,” he says bitterly.

“You are more of who we are than what you used to be,” I say, finding my voice. “If you won’t go back, then we’ll find some way to fix this, I promise you.” I say this fiercely, as if I can make him believe with words alone. There’s much I feel I have to say to him, but I can’t find the right words.

“Sure, Benji,” he says, smiling weakly at me. He looks like he doesn’t believe me in the slightest, but he holds out his hand to me anyway. I don’t hesitate.

“Remember what you’re here for, Blue,” Nina says, looking at our joined hands. “If this is a test, I think you may be doing it right.”

“Cross your heart?” Cal asks.

She doesn’t hesitate and my heart skips a beat. “Hope to die.”

“Stick a thousand needles in your eye,” I finish.

“Thank you, little one,” he says, holding out his other hand. She laughs quietly to herself and takes it, her hands so little in his.

“I like your tie,” I hear her whisper as we walk up the stairs. “Very handsome.”

“I bought it for Benji,” he whispers back. “I made some money from Benji working at the store and wanted to look nice for him.”

I stumble on the last step, and he looks at me funny. “You okay?”

I nod. “Nina?” I ask, without taking my eyes off him. “Can you give us a minute?”

She giggles again, and I hear the door creak as it opens and then closes after her.

And then I kiss him with everything I have. “You look so fucking hot in that tie,” I pant at him as our lips separate. “Sorry I didn’t say that earlier.”

He flushes and looks shy again. “It’s really okay?”

“Better than okay. Thank you. You don’t need a tie to impress me, but thank you.”

The smile he gives me then is brilliant, and that warmth I saw earlier in his eyes blossoms like fire. I think I know what it means. I think I know what it says.

I have to find a way to fix this, I think frantically as I kiss him again. This can’t be an ending. This must be the beginning.

“Cal, where in California are you from?” Christie asks, causing me to choke on a piece of bread.

We’re all sitting around the large dining room table, Abe on my left, and Cal to my right. Nina and Mary sit across from us. My mother and Christie sit at the ends of the table. I give serious thought to telling Christie to shut her fucking face, but I don’t think that would quell the innocent question I took to be overtly suspicious. She’s family, I remind myself. She’s not like everyone else.

I jump in. “Redding.”

“San Diego,” my mother says at the same time.

“Sacramento,” Abe says at the same time.

Everyone stares at us.

“He traveled a lot,” I say hastily as Cal watches me. “He never stayed in one place for too long. Kind of his thing.”

“I moved around a lot,” Cal repeats as I resist the urge to kick him under the table. “Always moving. Kind of my thing. Lola, would you happen to have any green clover marshmallows? I think I would like some.”

My mother smiles weakly I as stifle a groan. “Sorry, Cal. Fresh out. I’m sure Benji has some back at Little House when we’re finished.”

“Rosie told me you had a thing for those,” Mary says, eyes sparkling. “I found that to be so dear.”

“Rosie is a good person,” Cal says as he chases a carrot around his plate with a spoon. “She carries that shotgun around with her everywhere and made me cupcakes. I like people like that.”