She looked up at me and smiled. “Can I help you?”
“I hope so,” I said nervously. “Um, I hit a man with my car and he was brought here? Okay, well, he technically hit me, but that is so beside the point.”
She frowned slightly.
Which I took as a sign I should continue babbling. “I mean, who doesn’t see a car door opening on the side of the street? And he had to have been going at least eighty miles an hour. Okay, well not eighty, but at least ten. I feel really bad, but he sort of deserved it for making me all weird and crazy over the past few days, right? I mean, I’ve only known him since Saturday and we’ve already made out twice and he can make me feel all twisted up already? What is up with that?”
She cocked her head at me.
“My dog gives me the same look,” I told her. “You two could be related.”
She gasped.
“Oh, crap,” I said, the blood draining from my face. “That is so not what I meant! Oh, Jesus Christ! I’m so sorry. My dog is just a mutt. Er, not to say that you’re a mutt or anything. Besides, mutts are boy dogs, I think. And you’re obviously not a boy.” I eyed her boobs, making everything that much worse. “Very obviously not a boy. Girl dogs are bitches, right? So you’d be a bitch and… oh my God, I didn’t mean to say that either!”
She narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest, not saying a word.
“I’m not very good at talking to women,” I admitted. “I’m gay, so your dangly parts scare me a bit. Uh, not that anything of yours is dangling or anything. Everything seems to be perky enough. Um. Perfectly perky. It even looks like you had work done, they are so pointy. And as you can tell, I don’t have any social graces. This is why I like to deal with people over the phone, so I don’t have to look at them when I speak. It makes life easier for me so I’m not sitting here calling you a bitch with really nice tatas.”
She shook her head.
“Please,” I said bleakly. “Please help me shut my mouth. I just need to know where Vince Taylor is. That’s all. Please tell me and I will go so far away that you’ll never see me again and I’ll be nothing but a horrible memory for you by the time you get home to your cat.”
She glared at me but clacked on her computer. Finally, “What’s your relation?”
“Oh, uh. He’s my… brother.” Quick thinking.
She got a weird look on her f
ace. “Your brother?”
I nodded. “My younger brother.”
“And you’ve made out with him twice and only known him since Saturday?” she asked, looking like she was going to hit a button and have men in lab coats come carry me away.
Oh sweat balls. “Erm, we didn’t know we were brothers? Long lost. It was awkward, for sure.” I was sweating profusely. “Caused a big family drama. I think my mom will need therapy for the rest of her life.”
“Are you sure she’s the only one?”
“No, no. I’m pretty sure I will too once this is all over.” I laughed and I sounded way crazy. “It’s hard being attracted to your own brother. No… no other way around that.”
“This is some Maury Povich shit up in here,” she said. “Lord have mercy.”
I couldn’t help but grin. “I knew you’d be the sassy black nurse.”
“Now you racial profilin’ me?” she huffed. “Just because I’m black doesn’t mean I’m gonna be sassy, you hear me, cornbread brother lover?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Now, if you done bullshittin’ me, Mr. Taylor is in room 214. He’ll be discharged in a bit.”
I felt relieved. “Thank you. I’m sorry about everything I said.”
She turned serious. “And,” she said softly, “you need to make sure you get yourself some help. Nothing ever came from being in love with your brother.”
“Pearls of wisdom,” I said in awe. “You are the sassy black nurse—”
Her eyes flared. “Boy, I ain’t no nurse. I am an administrative professional, and you best get your ass out of my face before I make you leave.” She tapped her acrylic nails against the desk so loudly that each one sound like a gun shot. I couldn’t help but notice how orange they were, and I knew I needed to leave before I told her I saw her as more of a magenta.