“I won’t fall in. I know how to keep my balance. I’m not that big of an idiot. Have a little—Waaaaaaaaaaauuuuuughhhhh!”
A great splash.
Sandy screaming: “Paul! Paul! Oh my God! Someone save my friend! He’s dying! Oh Saint Janet Jackson, Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty! He’s drowning in fetid hippo water!”
“Sandy!”
“Paul!”
“The hippos are going to eat me! They’re going to eat me because I look so big and delicious! I don’t want to die!”
A helpful bystander: “I think hippos are herbivores.”
The zoo tour guide: “Actually, they’re omnivores. What you also might not know is that hippos are responsible for more human deaths in Africa than any other animal. They can sometimes even resort to cannibalism.”
The tour group: “Ohhhhhhhhh.”
Sandy, shrieking: “You’re standing there giving a lecture on hippos? Are you out of your fucking mind! My friend is going to be eaten!”
Me, in the background: “Pretty sure a hippo just shit in the water! I’d really like to get out of here now! Hello? Somebody?”
Tour guide: “Sir, please stop kicking and flailing your hands! You are attracting the hippos to you! Take a deep breath and calm down!”
Me: “You fucking calm down! If I get eaten, I swear to Christ I will sue your asses off!”
Sandy, murmuring: “He won’t sue you. At least I don’t think he will. Love those shorts, by the way.”
Tour guide, grinning: “Yeah? I always tho
ught they were too short, but we’re required to wear them. Gives me a pretty good tan, though.”
Helena, purring: “Oh? And how high does that tan go, Mr. Zoo Man?”
Tour guide, voice husky: “Pretty high up. I like to lay out sometimes with the zebras when no one’s looking. Naked. My name’s Jerry, by the way.”
Me, splashing loudly: “Sandy! Oh God, Sandy! I think I got some of the hippo shit water in my mouth! Call the fire department! Call the army! Send big guns! I don’t want to die! There are still so many things I need to do! I always wanted to learn to line dance!”
Helena, ignoring me completely: “Jerry, huh? That’s a hot name.”
Jerry, the bastard: “Yeah? What’s say we get out of here later and you can show me how hot it can be?”
Helena: “Oh, Jerry. You can’t even begin to imagine the things my tongue can do. I’m going to wrap my lips around your—”
Me, screaming: “Are you flirting? Seriously? Oh my fucking God, Sandy! I will fucking murder you! The hippos are getting in the water! Get laid another fucking time!”
Jerry: “Guess I better go rescue your friend. Wait for me here?”
Helena, sighing: “My hero. I’ll count the seconds until your return. Paul? Paul! Jerry’s going to come down and save you! Isn’t he just so awesome?”
Me, outraged: “Jerry? Jerry? You’re already on a first-name basis? You fucking whore! This is all your fault!”
Sandy, returning: “Paul, Jerry says you need to keep quiet so the hippos don’t eat you. I’d listen to him since he is obviously a consummate professional.”
Me: “Fuck Jerry! Fuck hippopotamuses! Fuck the fucking zoo!”
Sandy, smirking: “Paul, there’s a piece of hippo shit floating near your mouth.”
Me: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!”