“Because you’re just like a doctor, right? And I’m your patient. You have to keep my confidence. Anything I tell you can’t leave this room.”
“Exactly.”
“Good.” I took a deep breath, showing just how conflicted I was, but still determined. “I’ve hired someone.”
Tanya frowned. “Hired someone. For what?”
“You know.” I screwed up my face, letting my tongue hang out as I mimicked a painful and terrible death. Either by poison or strangulation, I would leave it up to Tanya’s imagination. “To… take care of the problem.”
Tanya looked as if she was having trouble breathing. “You mean….”
“Yes. I mean.”
“Mr. Ellis, that’s illegal.”
I turned my face back down into the hole. “I know. But it’s the only way. And if I can pull it off, I’ll be rich. I’ve managed to convince her to cut her children out of the will, leaving me as the only beneficiary to her estate.”
“You hired a hit man?” Tanya whispered fervently. “Where does one even find a hit man?”
“Craigslist. There’s an entire section on there. But it’s disguised under people selling patio furniture. You just have to know the lingo.”
Tanya hesitated, her hands getting a little too close to my ass. “Lingo. Is that… is that like an… urban… thing?”
Oh, Tanya. My poor, sweet Tanya. “Exactly. An urban thing. Only people of color know about it. And seeing as how I’m biracial, I know all the words. You have to know what specific things to look for. Like frizzle d’nizzle. And hibbity bip. For instance, the ad I found said Two Deck Chairs for sale for cool cat mcgats. That’s how you know.”
She leaned over me, her mouth near my ear. “Could you… do you think they could help me with a problem I have?”
Uh-oh. “Um. What?”
She spoke in a quiet rush. “My boyfriend broke up with me last year. I don’t know why. All I said was that I wanted to get married and have three babies. He said it was too soon to talk about such things on a first date.”
Yikes. I might not have thought this through. “Oh. Well. He… might have had a point?”
Her fingernails dug into the small of my back. “He didn’t. He just couldn’t see that we were meant to be together. Do you know what he did next?”
“Filed for a restraining order?”
“That too, but this was before that. He said he didn’t think this was going to work for him and paid the check and left. We hadn’t even had dessert! Or sex!”
“That’s too bad,” I managed to say, wondering if I still had to tip her when we were done.
Her breath smelled like mints. It was very pleasant. “And now he has a new girlfriend, and he posts pictures of them going on trips on Instagram, and he doesn’t even need to use filters! They’re that good.”
“I don’t use filters either because my skin is pretty much flawless—ow, Tanya! That’s too hard!”
“Sorry,” she said, and she actually sounded apologetic. “So if you know someone who could… take care of her, that would really help me out. You know. Hibbity bip.”
When I’d woken up this morning, I hadn’t realized I’d be negotiating with an emotional terrorist. “Maybe. But don’t you think he deserves his happiness? I’m sure there are plenty of men out there who would want to marry and impregnate you.”
“But they’re not him. He smells like spice and sleeps in the nude!”
I frowned into the hole. My life was so weird. “I thought you said you only went on the one date and he left you there. How do you know what he wears when he—you know what? In the interest of not being called to testify in what I’m sure is going to be a spectacle of a trial, I’m not going to ask that question. Look, Tanya. He wasn’t the one for you. You gotta let him go.” I paused, considering. “Also, no murder. Murder is bad.”
“But you said you were going to—”
“I never said anything, Tanya. I made implications that you inferred incorrectly. What the hell! All I meant was that I’m here with the love of my life after shopping for patio furniture online, and you started casting aspersions on my character. I expect an apology! Nay, I demand it.”
She sputtered. “But—there’s—you said—”