His eyes narrowed, and Helena came roaring forward.
I was in so much trouble.
“Corey.”
“No.”
“Corey.”
I sighed. “What.”
Because he was an asshole as well as a drama queen, he pressed his chest against my shoulder and leaned over to whisper directly in my ear. “Does Jeremy live near us?”
I hung my head. I thought about lying, but since I was dealing with Helena more than Sandy at the moment, that would probably end with me in a shallow grave outside a Walmart. “He lives two streets over.”
“The fuck!” he yelled. “How long have you known?”
“Since yesterday.” And that was when I knew exactly how to shift the blame. It would mean throwing an old man under the bus, but I was desperate. I prayed for forgiveness, though I doubted my prayer would be answered. What I said next was tantamount to senicide, the killing of the elderly. “But you know what that means, right? Jeremy lives with his dad. And Charlie is dating his dad. Charlie has picked up Robert from his house before. Ergo—”
“Ergo Charlie knew we were neighbors for months!” Sandy finished for me. “That bastard. That
means he’s been hiding their proximity from us this whole time! Oh, am I going to give him a piece of my mind, you can bet on that.”
Hook, line, and sinker. I felt bad, but only a little.
Sandy began to pace in his frilly robe. “Why would he do this to me? I mean, to us? First he wouldn’t let Robert give us his phone number at the wedding, and now Charlie’s been keeping his residence a secret? Does he realize who he’s fucking with? The audacity of that man is astounding. So what if he’s essentially helped me become the queen I am and shaped me into the person that stands before you. He knows I need to meddle.”
“Exactly,” I said, starting to edge toward the kitchen door. He was really starting to get worked up over this. If I played my cards right, he wouldn’t notice I was gone until it was too late. “He knows that about you. How rude.”
“So rude!” Sandy said, throwing up his hands. “I can’t believe he thought he would get away with this. And furthermore, he almost did. If you hadn’t fallen for the thirst-trap I’d lain out for you so supremely, who knows how much longer this charade would have gone on? I need to retaliate.”
“So much retaliation,” I agreed. I was almost to the hallway. Just a little bit more. “Like, the most retaliation that there has ever been.”
“Precisely! Oh, the plans I have in store for—wait a minute.”
Oh no. I was so close.
Sandy turned slowly to look at me. He still had a bit of banana stuck to his cheek. “You,” he said, voice dropping.
“Me?” I squeaked.
“You have an in,” Sandy said, taking a step toward me. “You can help me have my revenge.”
I knew that if I ran, he’d pounce and get to me before I got far. Sandy was faster than most people gave him credit for. Running would only exacerbate his instinct to chase. I had to find some way to distract him. “How can I do that? I don’t know any more than you do.”
“Oh, baby doll,” he cooed at me, hips rolling as he took another step. He was slinking, Helena mostly in control. “That’s not true at all, is it? Because Charlie has Robert. And Robert lives with his son. And Jeremy just so happens to jog right past our house in obscene little shorts and trip at the sight of you fucking your mouth with a banana.”
“I wasn’t fucking a banana with my anything!”
“That’s so precious,” Helena purred. She was standing in front of me now. I didn’t know how she’d gotten so close without me realizing. She had enchanted me somehow. I turned my head and shuddered just as she reached up and stroked my cheek. I was Ripley and she was the Xenomorph. Pretty soon she would open her jaws wide and a second, longer mouth would zoop out and hiss at me. “I adore you. Do you adore me?”
“Yes,” I said, voice trembling.
“Good,” she breathed. “Because here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to find out where Jeremy and Robert live. When you do, you’re going to tell me. And I am going to meddle.”
“Look!” I cried. “Out the window! That dad from next door is washing his car shirtless again and getting all soapy!”
“Precious!” Helena hissed as she turned and loped toward the window. Helena Handbasket couldn’t resist a DILF washing a car.