“And why is that?” I asked.
He sighed and looked aggrieved. “Are you really going to make me say it?”
“Say it,” I hissed at him.
“Because Nick Carter was Jamaican you crazy.”
“Nick Carter was Jamaican me crazy,” I agreed. “And you? Was Nick Carter Jamaican you crazy, Paul?”
“No.”
“And why is that? Who was Jamaican you crazy?”
Paul sighed. “I was going to marry Uncle Jesse from Full House in Costa Rica, because I wanted to pretend we were Dr. Grant and Dr. Sattler from Jurassic Park and I was going to be Dr. Sattler because I could pull off being a blonde and their sexual tension was ridiculous.”
“Only you would watch Jurassic Park for the sexual tension,” I said.
“They were smoldering,” Paul insisted. “And every time they were about to bone,
there were raptors or T.rexes getting in the way. Fucking dinosaur cockblockers.”
“The moral of the story, then,” I said, “is that we promised to have big weddings in faraway places.”
“While marrying a boy band twink and a fictional character from Full House while sexually role-playing a movie about dinosaurs,” Paul said, dry as dust. “I think our priorities have changed.”
“The sentiment remains the same!”
“But we grew up,” he said. “The things we wanted at fifteen aren’t the things we want in our thirties.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “You told me you and Vince already role-played Jurassic Park.”
“Well, yeah,” he said, sounding exasperated. “We couldn’t not. You should see him when he tries to talk about dinosaur bones. It’s adorable and so completely scientifically inaccurate. And then I told him he could dig through my badlands and unearth my fossil and it just went downhill from there. Or uphill, I guess, depending upon how you look at it. I certainly felt like I should have been on display in a museum by the time we were done, given that I was stiff and covered in sediment.”
“Ugh,” I said. “I blew him in my dreams and then he sucked on your nipples after committing incest. I am still not okay with talking about sex stuff with either of you.”
“Hey, man. Your dreams, not mine. Should we even talk about the fact that you had a sex dream that included me?”
“I didn’t have sex with you.”
“Proximity, though. They say dreams are just manifests of our desires.”
I gagged. “I desire absolutely nothing that I dreamed about.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Paul.”
“How’s Brian?” he asked, waggling his eyebrows.
“Shut your fucking mouth,” I snapped.
“No, really. You looked like you were in love. Like, a forever kind of love.”
I tried to stab him with my fork, but he moved far too quickly. “Fine,” I said. “I’ll let you have your small wedding. Two conditions.”
“Oh boy.”
“First, I get to officiate the wedding.”