“A plague on your house,” I hissed at Paul.
“Your life is made up of awkward moments, isn’t it?” Darren said to me.
“Of course not,” I said through gritted teeth. “Now, be a peach and shut your trap.”
Then he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.
Like an asshole.
I felt his wicked smile against my skin. I almost karate chopped his face off. It was close.
“What’s going on?” Paul asked, voice high-pitched as Darren pulled away. “What is this? What’s happening here? What are you doing? Why is there kissing?”
“We’re dating.” Darren took my hand in his and gave it a squeeze. “Because Sandy finds me to be intoxicating and could no longer resist my wiles.”
“Wow,” I said. “Keep talking like that and there won’t be any wiles left of you to resist.”
“Please,” he scoffed. “You take one look at me and your brain goes to mush.”
“It does,” I said. “It’s apparently a severe allergic reaction. Don’t worry, I’m seeing a specialist about it.”
“Aw,” Darren mocked. “I’ve got an injection to help you out with that.”
“Oh dear god,” Paul said faintly. “With their powers combined, nothing will ever be the same again.”
“I hope you guys cleaned up in here,” Charlie said with a stern look. “There better not be jizz on anything of mine. I’m not in the mood to wipe spunk off my camera.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “Darren swallows like a good boy. Not a drop on the floor.”
Paul made a wounded noise like a dying manatee.
Darren gripped my hand even tighter. “Couldn’t let any go to waste. Of course, Sandy reciprocated with ease. That throat opened right up.”
“Okay.” Vince grimaced. “I’m pretty sure I don’t need to hear about Sandy swallowing my brother’s junk.”
“He rhymes his dirty talk,” Darren said gleefully. “He told me he was going to fill my trunk with his spunk. I’ve never been more turned on in my life.”
“Nope,” Paul said. “That is not a thing we should talk about. Ever. We’re done now.”
“It’s not my fault,” I grumbled. “It just happens sometimes.”
“I think it’s fun,” Darren said, though he didn’t sound like it at all. “You sure know how to make a boy feel special when you’re Dr. Seussing my asshole.”
“Oh dear god,” Paul wheezed. “Holy shit. That sounds so fucking—”
“Hey.” I frowned. “I’m allowed to have sex. I do have sex.”
“I know,” Paul retorted. “I just saw the balls of one of the people you had sex with last weekend. And now I’m seeing the nipples of another. I’m not supposed to see the people you have sex with naked too!”
Darren brought an arm up to cover his nipples like Paul had offended him. I absolutely refused to find it adorable because Darren had trapped us in his web of fake sexy lies and there was no way this couldn’t end in tears. Especially since in the space of an hour, I’d gone from being a loveable and carefree queen to having a pseudo-boyfriend and lying to everyone in order to take on the Republicans to save a gay bar.
Still, I had to focus on the more important things in life. “What was the bet?” I asked.
“Oh,” Paul said, a little sheepish. “Well, Vince here thought you guys would have sex up here before Christmas. Charlie thought it was going to be in your house around Valentine’s Day. Corey said it would happen next summer in a pool. Nana thought you’d be in an orgy sometime next year and would end up boning and fall in love. Mom and Dad thought you were already secretly in love and married and would announce two years from now that you were adopting Ethiopian triplets.”
It was official. I pretty much hated everyone I knew. “And you?” I asked.
He mumbled something under his breath, looking embarrassed.