Me: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU
Me: THERE WILL BE NO END TO YOUR SUFFERING
Me: BTW, that joke was funny, Matty. Good job
Me: And I used to masturbate into socks too
Me: But I did my own laundry
Me: So….
Me: Where was I?
Me: YOU’RE DEAD TO ME PAUL
Me: DO YOU HEAR ME
Me: DEAD!!!!
Nana: Back. What did I miss? WTF JFC LOL JK
AT SIX on the dot, the doorbell rang.
I groaned but reminded myself that the sooner we did this, the sooner it would be over. It was this thought that I held in my heart as I opened the door and—
Darren was there, of course.
Fucking Darren Mayne.
With these tight fucking pants that looked like his muscular thighs just wanted to burst through and a gray sweater that I swore showed the fact that his nipples were hard for some reason that I most certainly did not want to know about. He hadn’t shaved and had a thin layer of scruff on his face that I resolutely did not want to sit on because such an idea was absolutely not on my agenda for this date. He looked pleased with himself, like he knew something I didn’t, and I didn’t even stop to think what it meant when his eyes trailed me up and down.
He said, “You look good.”
I said, “I know. I do have a mirror.”
The eye crinkles were back because he was amused by me, like he found me entertaining. Obviously he was up to something so I needed to be on my guard. For whatever unspecified reason Darren had agreed to this whole fiasco, he did have a reason and it was most likely nefarious. But he was obviously full of shit too, so I decided to play along. We had to sell this, after all.
“You look… presentable,” I decided on.
He snorted. “Please. Stop. You’re being far too kind. My heart can’t take it.”
“I know,” I said.
“You gonna let me in?”
I frowned. “Why?”
“Because I asked?”
“Then no.”
“Sandy.”
“Darren.”
He pushed past me. Like a jerk.
I did not squawk at him. I really didn’t. No matter what he would say later.