I grimaced and tried to save it by smiling, but I didn’t know how well it worked. “That’s so sweet, bae. Makes me feel tingles all over.” I reached over and took his hand again, because Paul was getting a constipated look on his face.
“Anything for you,” he said, tossing me a careless smile. He raised my hand and kissed my fingers, his lips lingering.
“Good,” Paul said. “Because if I ever found out otherwise, I’d cut off your dick and then bury you alive in cement.”
“That’s… unsurprisingly specific,” Darren said.
“So,” I said, hoping to redirect the attention away from us and Paul’s murderous dick-severing. “Have you two thought about a location for the wedding?”
Paul rolled his eyes. “Vince wants to have it at a horse farm.”
“A horse what?” Corey asked. Such a city boy.
“It’s this place outside of Tucson,” Vince said, flicking Paul upside the head. “They do weddings.”
“With horses,” Paul said. “His argument being that they allow you to ride the horses for the wedding photos. Because that’s what the world needs, pictures of me and my new husband straddling the back of a horse.”
“I think you’d look sexy straddling a horse.”
“Can we just stop saying straddling,” I said. “That’s a good place to start. Second, Vince, look at us. Really look at us. What about this group of people suggests that we’re animal people?”
“Wheels,” Vince said.
I rolled my eyes. “That two-legged beast isn’t an animal. He’s a devil disguised as a pooping machine that likes to shit on my nice and expensive things.”
“The horse farm is better than Paul’s idea,” Vince said.
“I don’t doubt you there,” I said. Paul had the audacity to look offended. “Hit me with it.”
“Okay,” Paul said, sitting up. “Imagine a place where all your dreams can come true. There’s something for everyone and laughter reigns supreme. Where joy is just a putt away. Where you can run free, chasing others with brightly strapped vests and shooting them with lasers. Where there stand large mechanical boxes that bring nostalgic memories with such legends emblazoned upon them like Street Fighter II or Cruisin’ U.S.A.”
“No,” I said. “Absolutely not. We are not having your wedding at Golf ’n Stuff. I don’t care if you want to play miniature golf, laser tag, or arcade games. We are not having the happiest day of your life at a dilapidated theme park that should have been closed years ago.”
“But they have paddleboats,” Paul said.
“That should never be a valid argument at any time in your life,” I snapped.
“When Sandy and I get married,” Darren said, “we’re going to have horses and paddleboats. Maybe horses in paddleboats.”
I fell out of my chair.
They all stared down at me.
“Sorry, sorry.” I picked myself up off the ground. “I thought I saw a penny and I needed to have it.”
“A penny,” Paul repeated.
“You okay, boo?” Darren asked me, struggling to hide his smile. “That looked like it hurt.”
“I’m fine,” I ground out. “It happens when I get hit with a blast of what-the-fuck.”
“Oh good. You had me worried. Can I see the penny you found?”
“Bae.”
“Hmm?” he said, brushing off my pant legs.
“Remember what we talked about regarding your sense of humor.”