“Paul.”
“Yes, Sandy?”
“I’m trying. To tell. A motherfucking story.”
“Sorry, Sandy.”)
The Queen was billowing because it looked cool and epic and shit and everyone knows that queens should be allowed to billow whenever they want. The light was hitting her just right too and everyone was in awe of her, as they should have been. Her minions below were clapping and chanting her name while the Homo Jock King broke down behind her. It was a glorious moment that would forever be remembered because the Queen was awesome and amazing and no one could say otherwise.
Eventually, the Homo Jock King stopped crying and she turned back to face him.
“Feeling better?” the Queen asked.
“Yes,” he said, sniffling. “I am just so taken with you that I didn’t know what to do with myself. I don’t deserve you. What would a creature such as yourself want with a peasant like me?”
“That’s a good question,” the Queen said. “I have no fucking idea, but there it is, I guess.”
“But you do?” the Homo Jock King said. “You do want me? To be mine for all of eternity?”
“Eh,” the Queen said. “It could go either way. Why don’t we go on a date first before we start talking forever.”
“Oh joy!” the Homo Jock King cried. “Oh wondrous joy! I feel the tears coming on again, this time because of happiness!”
(“Wow, Darren,” Paul said. “You sure cried a lot.”
“That’s because I was so overcome with joy,” Darren said through gritted teeth.
“He’s just a big softie.” I patted his hand. “Aren’t you, bae.”
“You know what?” Darren said. “Let’s not drag this out any further. I’ll just finish it up.”
“You better not make me—”)
Darren winced as the Queen screamed, “Take me, you paragon of manly virtue! Take me here in the balcony and let me feel the entire might of your ten and a half inches of pure, stiff—”
(“Ten and a half inches,” I said, laughing so hard that tears came to my eyes. “You’re a liar.”)
“Oh my god,” the Queen moaned as Darren dropped his pants. “You weren’t lying at all. That has to be the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. I need you to mount me. Mount me like… like… like something mountable.”
(“Sandy. I swear to god if you don’t stop laughing—”
“You c-couldn’t even th-th-think of w-what I wanted you to mount me like! H-holy shit.”)
And then they totally had butt sex and the Queen said she was so in love with Darren and that’s the end of the story.
(“That’s not the end! It really ended like—”)
The Homo Jock King begged the Queen to fuck him, so she whipped out her thirty-inch dick and fucked him so hard that he came untouched and then he said he loved her, and the Queen said, “Let’s just see where this goes. I like you, but not that much. Now, go get me a shot of tequila and some pretzels because I’m hungry. God help you if the pretzels are too salty, though.”
And that’s how the story really ended.
The end.
COREY, PAUL, and Vince were staring at us.
Darren and I were glaring at each other.
“That,” Corey said with a cough. “Um. I don’t know what that was.”