“A geisha is a traditional Japanese female entertainer.”
“Oh,” he said. Then, “Oh. But. Like.”
“Spit it out.” Because we didn’t have time for this.
He looked around, making sure no one was listening in. Darren was watching us and his scowl deepened when Brian leaned in close. “Those are the chicks with the white faces?” he asked in a low voice.
“Right,” I said, patting him on the shoulder. “Good boy.”
“But. Isn’t that like… racist?”
“The geisha costume?” I asked, somewhat impressed that he would think that far ahead. “No, I don’t see how any different it would be than someone dressing up the same at Halloween. You’re not denouncing the culture by wearing the costume. We’re not mocking anyone.”
“Not that. The whiteface. That could be racist.”
“What,” I said flatly.
“It’s like blackface,” he said, sounding nervous. “You don’t do that because it’s a douchebag thing to do. But, like, what if white people get pissed off because I’m wearing whiteface?”
I looked toward the ceiling, praying to whatever deity was listening to give me strength. “Brian.”
“Yes, Helena,” he replied promptly like the good boy that he was.
“You’re white.”
“German,” he agreed. “And maybe some Finnish.”
“You can’t racially offend white people by having whiteface.”
“But black people get offended by blackface,” he said.
“Right, but… it’s not… you can’t—”
“And what about the Japanese? Won’t they get offended by whiteface?” Then he frowned. “But are they considered white? Or are they making fun of white people when they have whiteface? And how come black guys can do whiteface and make an entire movie out of it that’s terrible where they pretend to be women but when white people do blackface, it’s offensive and racist?”
“I’ll be honest,” I said. “I have no idea how to answer any of your questions. I’m just here to dress you up in drag.”
“Oh,” Brian said. “Maybe we could ask Corey?”
“Corey,” I repeated.
“He’s black,” Brian said. Then, “And Mexican, I think he said.”
“I promise you that whiteface makeup is probably the least offensive thing about the drag bachelor auction to save crack babies. You can trust me on that one.” In fact, this whole thing lacked any kind of moral direction, so I thought I’d be forgiven if anyone was offended by drag geisha.
“Crack babies?” Brian said. “That’s terrible. Why would anyone give them crack?”
I sighed. “Brian, I need to put on your makeup.”
“Right,” he said. “Okay, I’ve thought about it long and hard, and I am okay with this. If it’s for crack babies, then I don’t think white people will get angry with whiteface. Because it’s not about racism. It’s about babies addicted to crack.”
“Atta boy,” I said. “That’s a very mature and thoughtful decision.”
He grinned up at me.
I winked at him.
Darren glared at us.