“I can feel your penis poking me,” he said. “So yeah. I think so.”
“My bad,” I said.
“It’s cool.”
He was so awesome. I didn’t know why I couldn’t see it before.
“So I decided to play the role of fairy godfather,” Mike said. “Because if there’s one thing I love in this world, it’s love.”
“You’re seriously out of your fucking mind,” I said.
“Probably,” he agreed. “But it worked, didn’t it? Unbelievably well, if those dead babies on your neck mean anything.”
“But… but… just… the gay bar,” I sputtered.
“I can’t believe you bought that.” He chuckled to himself. “I didn’t think it’d work. Seriously.” His voice turned slightly mocking. “You need to seduce Darren Mayne in order to get to his father to find a way to save a gay bar that’s being threatened with closure by the big, bad homophobes? Jesus, princess. This isn’t some eighties movie. That’s not how real life works.”
“But I did that,” I said, too taken aback to say much else. “I did exactly that!”
“Right,” Mike said. “And I don’t think I can comprehend how it all happened. But you got a boyfriend out of it. So, you’re welcome.”
“Okay,” Darren said. “You can murder him now.”
“You fucking Freddie Prinze Juniored me?” I exclaimed shrilly.
“I don’t know if I know what that means,” Mike said. “Even if you guys say it all the time.”
“It doesn’t fucking matter if you don’t know what that means. You did this. You are a goddamn liar—”
He arched an eyebrow at me. “Why are you mad?”
“Because,” I said. “You lied to me. You made me think that Darren was pining after his father, wanting a relationship with him because he had daddy issues!”
“I have what?” Darren asked, sounding incredulous. “I don’t even like my father. I don’t even talk to him. Why the hell would I be pining after him?”
“Had to tug on the heartstrings,” Mike said as if it were nothing. “Really sell it, you know? And you fell for it hook, line, and sinker, princess. You’re such a bleeding heart sometimes.”
“I will stab your liver, you fucking piece of—”
“You said you were happy,” he pointed out. “You have Darren. Jack It will stay open. We made a shit-ton of money for crack babies, and I’ll get amazing publicity for it. What, exactly, do you have a problem with?”
“You magnificent bastard,” I said because he was right. He was really that damn good.
“Thank you,” he said, looking rather pleased with himself. “There is something rather Machiavellian about this whole thing. I’m like a supervillain who has a heart of gold and did something nice for the holidays.” Then his eyes lit up again. “Oh, and one more thing. Darren, speaking of visits to prison, you may want to reconsider your position, especially if you ever want to try and form a relationship with your father. Though, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.”
And with that, he picked up the TV remote off his desk and, without looking away from us, pointed it over his shoulder to the small flat-screen TV hanging in the corner.
The TV flashed on. It was turned to CNN. BREAKING NEWS was listed dramatically in the corner of the screen, while there was a shot obviously taken from a helicopter.
I recognized downtown Tucson almost immediately. In fact, it was only a few miles from where we were standing right now. I could probably go outside and see the helicopter circling in the distance.
“…just joining us,” the anchor was saying, “breaking news out of Tucson, Arizona, today where the FBI, in conjunction with the Pima County Sheriff’s Department, has raided the offices of Tucson mayor Andrew Taylor. An unnamed spokesperson, citing the ongoing investigation, has stated that Mayor Taylor was arrested in his home earlier today on charges of embezzlement, tax fraud, and misappropriation of moneys earmarked for charities. As you can see from the footage, taken from local affiliate KGUN9, the offices are being emptied, with files and hard drives being removed from the scene. The mayor’s office has yet to release a statement, though it’s expected to have a response sometime this evening. Andrew Taylor has been in the spotlight as of late following the death of his wife last year and then his endorsement of Neo-Nazi presidential candidate Donald Trump. Before Trump’s campaign collapsed, there were rumors of a possible vice-presidential nomination for Taylor, though nothing came of it. Recent polls show Taylor’s popularity has recently taken a nosedive in light of accusations made—”
Mike turned off the TV.
“Oops,” he said, smiling.
“You did this,” I breathed.