I twist to lie on my back so my voice rises instead of hitting the sides of the tub. “No. Jesus, Bear, go away.” Leave me alone. Just leave me alone. I take a shallow breath. It hurts.
“No,” he says, and I groan. “I’m not leaving until I see you.”
“I’ll be out in a minute,” I snap at him.
“You forget.”
“What?”
“That I know you. I know you better than anyone.” He opens the door. I close my eyes and try to collapse in on myself so I’ll just disappear. I try to stop shaking but I can’t, because I am so fucking cold.
“No,” he moans. “Ty? Oh, honey, oh please.”
It only takes him a second before he’s in the tub with me, curled up against my back, pulling me into his arms, wrapping himself around me. It’s a bit of a struggle; we don’t fit in here like we used to when I was just a little guy. But somehow, someway, he makes it work, like he always does.
“What’s wrong?” he asks me, trying to warm me. “What happened?”
The worry in his voice is almost my undoing. The anger on my behalf is almost my breaking point. God, does he know how strong he is? How solid? I am nothing like him. I am weak and scared and little. I want to be like my brother, but I don’t know how. I don’t even know where to start.
“Just got a little scared, I g-guess,” I say, trying to keep my voice even. “It g-got hard to breathe.”
“Earthquakes?” he murmurs.
I nod once and grab his hand, holding it to me close. He splays his fingers out against my chest. He must feel my jack-rabbiting heart.
“I’m sorry,” I say, trying to distract him, distract myself.
“For what?”
“This. All of this. I thought I was better. I thought I had this under control.”
“You don’t need to apologize. Do you hear me? Ever, Kid. You don’t need to apologize ever.”
I wish I could believe him. “I don’t know how to fix me,” I whisper. “I don’t want to be like this anymore. I don’t want to be scared. I don’t want to have to come in here. I don’t want this, Bear.”
He kisses the back of my head. “I know. We’ll figure this out. I’ll make it all okay. Somehow.”
He sounds upset and I want to apologize again, but somehow, I keep it down. Instead, I open my mouth and make it worse. “Probably wish she’d taken me with her, huh?” There’s no question as to who I mean.
Bear stiffens behind me. “What?”
“Mom. Do you… do you wish sometimes that she took me with her when she left? It would’ve been easier for you. You wouldn’t have to deal with… all of this.”
“I’m going to say this once and only once,” he grinds out furiously. “Are you listening, Tyson?”
“Yeah,” I manage to say.
“Things might have sucked. Things might have been hard. Things might have seemed like they were dark and that we’d never make it through. But we did. Me and you. That’s all there was for the longest time, and we survived. Without you, there would have been no me. Otter may have my heart, but you are my soul. So, no, I don’t wish that. No, it’s never crossed my mind. No, I will never leave you and I will never let you go. You are stuck with me for the rest of your life, and if you ever ask me a question like that again, I swear to God you will see me angry like you’ve never seen before. You get me?”
I can’t speak.
He shakes me. “You get me?”
“Yes. Oh. Bear. I can’t… I can’t breathe.”
“Hear me, okay? Remember what Eddie taught you. What we’re supposed to do. Just focus on me, okay?”
I nod, starting to struggle.